Someone said to me the other day that the man who marries me sure will be a lucky guy. Cue me walking away and not looking back. Huh, maybe that should've been pointed out to my husband and not me?
Speaking of which, I saw my him on Monday because I stupidly agreed that he could stop by. I beat myself up for the past few days about how much of an idiot I am, and the reaction I had because of it.
Getting down to brass tacks, I still have incredibly strong feelings for him, both good and bad. Like I'd love to slap him then kiss him, but this isn't a French film. Instead, I'd like to think of him as a bad addiction now that I am in rehab for. Not a pleasant thought over all, but bear with me. He showed up, after a little bit of conversation I asked him to come home. The addiction pulled me back in. I still have mixed feelings as to why he wanted to talk in the first place.
Blah, blah, blah...I took 500 steps back and felt awful/humiliated about it for a couple of days. I've since snapped out of it. We split up our local hangouts, by far, I got the better end of the deal. He gets his shitty bar and the douchey bar down the block. I get the cool places in the West Side, so there's that. There is one place that is neutral ground with the stipulation that if he sees me there he is not to acknowledge me, or it'll come down to (and I can't make this up) rock, paper, scissors-best outta 3. Really though, I'd probably just end up going to another spot.
I mentioned in my last entry that my mom is my hero. The night I saw him, you bet your ass I called her. She let me cry and talked some sense into this jumbled head of mine. God love her for it. Piece by piece the painstaking process of putting the puzzle back together of my sense of self and recognizing the 'norm' of daily living is happening. Even though I do have my moments of being completely overwhelmed where nothing looks or feels right. Yes there is a void that is going to take a really long time to be filled. He didn't just break my heart, he broke my head too. There are days where everything is fine and there are days where I can't get out of bed, but I do.
That's a huge improvement-I still get out of bed, I still do for myself and honestly, I don't have time for anyone who is going to get in my way right now.
Moving on.
I had to weed a few people out of my life recently. People who were toxic and only took but never gave. I'm sure they probably won't ever fully understand, but it is not my job to teach them how to grow up or how to treat other people. That's what parents/family are for. I cannot be responsible for anyone other than me now, so if they're looking for someone to take care of them, I suggest they move back in with their folks. I am unapologetic for the brutal honesty I may send out, but it's time to stop pretending. If you're constantly losing friends, mediocre jobs, and getting evicted from your place of residence but continually find ways to get your hands on your bad habits, perhaps it's time to take a good hard look at what you want for yourself. Again, who am I to judge? I just know that we aren't like-minded any longer and I don't have the patience to wait for those who are still living like responsibility is a foreign language. I'm certainly not trying to paint myself as perfection, seriously. I don't have it all figured out, but Cah'mon!
I'm going to New Orleans in September-flight and hotel have already been
booked and it's so great to focus on this thing that I've been looking
forward to for so long. It's becoming a reality, even better, Noble is
coming with (We're still waiting on confirmation of other friends
joining us)! She and I have also made it a point to see each other once a
week when she's in town, and you know what? She's the best date there
ever was. Hands down.
I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after NOLA. I still want to get a dog, I want to travel more- 2 places on my list are Puerto Rico and Costa Rica (Sloth sanctuary!). After that, we'll see. The travel bug has bitten and I'd like to go somewhere alone to see how well I'd fare. Of course I love having company, but I've never been one to do much of anything alone. Perhaps I'll start with going to a movie by myself first- does that sound lame? I guess I may be too much of a social butterfly.
A couple weeks ago I went on a date. Obviously I'm not ready or willing to be serious with anyone. At the same time, I really like being around people and trying new things out. Plus I haven't been in the dating scene in a long time, I wasn't sure if I'd remember how. He was sweet, funny, charming, handsome, played with a full deck of cards- overall a catch. We talked about going out again, I made full disclosure that I wasn't looking for anything except for casual dating. For some reason that turned into him needing me to explain what exactly that meant. I'm pretty sure I didn't give off the vibe of needing to be in a relationship, but he sure acted as though I meant I needed to meet his parents. Anyway that was the one strike- which is all I was willing to give. The next time we had plans to meet up were met with a cancellation and I let him know that while I understood life happens, cancel on me again I'll walk away.
His response to that was to let me know "I'm a good one, but he was too lazy/busy for casual dating." Funny thing, I don't have time for people who don't have time for me and since we had only been out the one time, who cares? I certainly didn't lose sleep over it, and I do wish him the best, but I think he should look up what casual dating is. I've come to the conclusion that dating is stupid and I might very well just stick to my weekly dates with Noble. Plus with her, there will never be pressure to put out.
Yes, a lot of ups and downs which are to be expected and while I do have a few things I'm looking forward to right now, I'm more concerned with today. I feel good today and that's not a bad place for me.
