Fuck You COVID-19

We're now in week 3 of quarantine. My pay has been cut by 15%, which at first I didn't think was going to be a huge deal until I got paid and looked at how much 15% really is in the grand scheme of things. I should have done the math for the bi-weekly pay, not the annual salary range. The annual salary isn't too bad. But right now, I can't pay rent, bills, or afford groceries and essential items to keep us afloat. I am lucky to still have a job, and one that has been work from home from when I started back in October.

I know I'm not alone in this. I'm not the only one facing hardships in these crazy times. My husband is temporarily unemployed because all bars and restaurants are closed. The economy is tanking at an unbelievable rate. This is one of those moments where you know everyone around you is feeling the financial squeeze of all of it, and yet the stress and self-pity still finds its way in.    

We moved to Durham, NC 6 months ago with hopes and dreams of being able to buy a house. I miss Seattle so much, and I've watched as my loved ones back home post about how all the once vibrant neighborhoods have become ghost towns. Even if we were still there, we'd be in the same situation. It's like this everywhere. 

All because a man in China ate a bat and caused a global pandemic. The Chinese government tried to hide it. The Doofus in charge here called it a hoax while he continued to golf on tax-payer money as well as continue his campaign trail for reelection. He takes no responsibility for what this virus has done to this country. It could have been stopped. The death toll could have been so much lower. 

The government has unsurprisingly failed us. More people have died in the US than on 9/11, and the joke of a president thinks that if 100,000 people die, "It will be really good for us". This coming from a dude who had the knowledge of this disease and called it a hoax from the jump. He's now seeing how bad it really is and is still treating the situation like no big deal. "We'll be back open for business by Easter!" Did anyone tell Coronavirus this news? Pretty sure the virus doesn't care about some bloated hot head's timeline for when things should go back to normal. 

We're still being taxed as if everything is normal. As if thousands upon thousands of people aren't working. As if unemployment offices are maxed out on their resources. As if the gov't handout of a one time $1200 check is going to get us out of the muck & mire. 

We wanted a house, with a yard where the dogs could run around. To not share walls with neighbors. To build a backyard bar. I worked really hard to get my credit score up, pay off my debts. We filled out all of the paperwork for a prequalified letter - before the horror stories in other countries became our reality. I'm watching these dreams crumble away knowing my credit and finances are going to quickly find themselves in the tank with the rest of the economy. $2400 isn't going to save us.   

The depression is starting to set in. The urge to remain optimistic is wearing thin.

Day of the Living - what a boring movie...

It has been 8 years since my Dad has passed away and 7 whole months since my Mom joined him. This isn’t a post about the deceased or about how those of us left behind are doing – we’re fine, thank you. It is a post regarding the things NO ONE ever talks about and how if we did talk about them, perhaps folks wouldn’t have to deal with both grief and the obscene amount of paperwork and hoops to jump through to get shit accomplished, well, you’ll still have to go through all of that, but hopefully this small guide will ease that process for you. This post is because I love you, and I don’t ever want anyone to go through the already harrowing experience of losing a loved one and experience the frustration of previously stated hoops, furious texts/phone calls to your living loved ones, shaking your fist at the sky, and numerous nights crying solely out of frustration. I don’t want that for you, you can do better than I did.

First and foremost, at the time of this post, I live in Washington State. This is important for what I am about to tell you; if your parents die and you and/or your sibling(s) find yourself wondering what the fuck you do now, contact a probate attorney. Even if there is a last will and testament assigning you or your sibling executor of the estate, go to probate. We found this out through some not necessarily incompetent, but rather unhelpful folks over at the water company who were obviously reading off a script, in which they repeated, “We can’t forward bills to you now, you need the letter that ‘they’ provide you in the ‘packet’ when someone dies.” Actual quote. They have no idea what they’re talking about and don’t expect to get much more information from them than that. The Letter that comes in the Packet that was mentioned is the letter of testament which essentially states who is the executor of the estate- you get that when you go to probate.

Probate in WA state is different than other states, I’m not an expert and I certainly don’t know probate law and regulations for other states, you’ll have to do some research. Washington doesn’t charge a percentage of the estate, you basically pay the attorney a retainer fee and then whatever the hourly fee is. Probate takes 4 months, it alerts creditors/utilities/credit card companies/bookies (kidding, someone else is going to have to tell the bookie, but it’s probably best to just pay them…or run away…you do you, Boo.) that that the account holder has passed away. After those 4 months are done, you are free to sell the house/car/items of the estate. Please also note, that going into probate is public knowledge, you may very well be contacted by those that I lovingly call the ‘Vultures’ who circle around waiting for estate sales, or houses for sale, whatever they can find to make a quick buck. I feel it completely acceptable to tell the vultures to fuck off, however, it’s probably in your best interest to tell them they have the wrong number should they call/text you as you don’t want uninvited attention to the estate. Make sense?

Next, if you have a similar situation like ours where your sibling is named executor of the estate but lives in a different state than you and the estate, become co-executor. Seriously, save yourselves some headache. Because I am not executor or co-executor, there’s a shit ton of things I cannot handle regarding the estate, which is super difficult and incredibly frustrating. PARENTS – please keep this in mind if you have more than one monster when you write/update your wills. Help your kids out, they will be forever grateful for you if you do. True, most people aren’t going to need more than one executor, but it’s something to keep in mind.

If your parents were planners and fortunate enough to have a life insurance policy, please note that life insurance money is different than estate money. It’s not taxable, therefore, say your dad’s life insurance policy was $1MM, and that’s sent to you or split between you and your siblings, you won’t pay taxes on it. I’m not going to tell you how to spend that cash, yet, try really hard not to spend life insurance money on estate expenses. If you’re lucky and there is estate money, go ahead and use that for estate expenses.

401k, IRA retirement plans: As a beneficiary (and as in my case, not the executor), you’re going to receive a boatload of mail from people and companies you previously had no dealings with. If you get retirement plan distribution forms, make sure the company that sent them to you also provides you with a statement showing that you are in fact a beneficiary to that account. Otherwise, you’ll end up like me, yelling at a woman in a bank about how irritated you are with the financial institute’s whole process and all the while understanding those processes are in place for a reason…grief is a fickle beast.

It’s a small start- we’re still going through it. Probate should be wrapping up within a week or so and if there’s a part two regarding estate sales, I’ll write it. For now, I hope this helps enlighten the living, at least a little bit.  

Kisses,

Samantha

Update Schmupdate

5 days after my last post, I was forced to resign from my job...they did end up pushing me out after all. It was devastating and relieving in one fell swoop. While I certainly don't miss the bullshit, I miss the people and the work. I was really good at what I did. The maritime industry is pretty small in Seattle; everyone knows everyone, and try as my old manager might, he wasn't able to destroy my reputation as much as he would have liked. Turns out that company ruins their reputation well enough on their own. It took roughly 7 months to find the place I'm at now. It was difficult, there's no reason to sugar coat it. I blew through my 401(k) to maintain my home, worked temp jobs, took a job at a company I knew I wasn't going be bothered staying at, but they paid me for 4 weeks of training and I couldn't pass that up.

As soon as my training was over, I quit and started working at a local bar. If I ever decide to continue in the service industry, I have learned that never again will I work for a brand new bar or restaurant. That shit needs to be established before I offer up my time. I'm still working there part time and am currently on contract with a maritime company which is literally across the street from the old one. Can't beat the commute. I like it here; I like my team and the work. I'm hoping this becomes permanent sooner than later, though my contract was extended without an end date. For now, I'll take it.

Working 2 jobs has its perks and its downfalls, I have one day off per week, and I'm mostly tired all the time. Blowing through your savings and retirement funds kinda makes you suck it up though and do what you need to get by. I'm disassociated from family and friends more often than not. I haven't talked with my mom in what feels like an eternity. It's probably been 2 weeks, but all the days blur together as of late. I haven't really seen my friends, I try when I get the time. It's usually Monday evenings and that's usually it, definitely not for long periods of time.

If all goes according to my plans, I'll be hired on at the maritime job and I'll be able to leave the bar. I really don't mind working there- my coworkers are pretty solid folks and I tend to have fun there, it's just not the career I chose. I need to be around boats and maritime misfits.

And there you have an update.

Take the Narration Back

I ruminate too much, thinking about all possibilities and essentially driving myself crazy. My head spins and I can't turn it off. The narrative has changed and the voice needs to come back to the original owner. Taking back the narrative feels like playing chess. I need to be methodical, calculate the move I want to make, and look ahead at my opponent's potential moves. That alone makes me exceptionally tired.

A reminder of what my life was like when I focused solely on work and what it meant for my career, vs. deciding to actively have a life outside of work and how that somehow changed certain perceptions of me professionally. My work ethic hasn't changed, the demand for change is what caused the problem. I demand accountability, I demand equal pay and respect in my position for the work that I do. Am I being perceived as an irritating, irrational woman in a male dominated industry, who should just be happy that they allow me to be there at all? Do you really think I have time for that kind of bullshit, or I have ever given the impression that I would play that sort of game? This is my livelihood! I take so many things lightly, but I do not fuck around when it comes to my job or how I take care of myself. This story is mine, and I'll be damned if someone gets to make decision for me that would effect my livelihood. 

What's it going to take for these people to take me seriously? My boss alone has no problem telling me that I'm not needed in our department. While every other dept seems to know the value of the work that I do. Granted my boss has also mentioned numerous times he doesn't know what I do, regardless of how many times I've informed him of my job duties. He will say though, rather emphatically, that I do a great job!

...Wait, the job in which you aren't aware that I perform? The one that doesn't need to be compensated? The same job that has been mentioned numerous times that I am expendable from? Fuck you. 

And yet, here I am. Still here. Amidst the frustrations and obvious sexism, the underlining truth is I love this industry. Let them try to push me away, I'm good at what I do and I take pride in my work. Never have I been the woman to give up on something I love because it got too hard. I can stand with my head up and push on. They can say what they will to try and dissuade me, but I'm stronger than they realize. I've earned my spot here and I refuse to let them knock me down.  

  

Remember, Remember...

It's been a long time since I've written anything. This therapeutic blog to help me realize and accept feelings and emotions has been put to the side for a long time. Because, let's be honest, fuck feelings.

I'm having a pity party today, you're welcome to join or stay away. Choice is yours.

My rent went up by 22% - I'm sticking it out until I find something I want to buy. Still, 22% hurts.

The man I was dating for 6ish months was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery to remove tumors from his stomach. While he was going through that, he would become afraid that we were getting too close and would disappear. I forgave him for that, I saw how genuinely scared he was, I was patient. After his surgery, he was told it was a misdiagnosis and the tumors were benign-hooray! Things got better between us for a short amount of time and then he told me essentially that since he was better, he didn't need/want me around. I haven't spoken with him since, not that I want to. It's not worth the salt.

I applied for a job at work and was told the cards would be stacked in my favor to get. Months went by with hints that it was mine and I would get excited, but kept my mouth shut. I found out yesterday that the job was given to someone else who didn't apply for it.

That's how life is going right now.

Also, I'm really ready for this goddamned election to be over.

Well. Shit.

       I'm getting a roommate. Begrudgingly getting a roommate. I've been on my own for a long time, and this city is getting ridiculously expensive to be a lone wolf no matter how much I'd like to continue on being one.
In retrospect, the positives that could be taken away from getting a roommate are: I'll be able to save some cash and actually utilize my savings account. Travelling would be more feasible, a potential new friend to kick it with, and occasional pet sitter...that is if I play my cards right.
       What I'm giving up: a portion of my independence, and my sanctuary- the library. This is the heartbreaking part, the part that makes me not want to do this at all. I still don't wanna. I can tell myself it'll be better, but I'm still feeling bitter that I wasn't able to do it on my own.
       However, I need to think about the grander picture of what it is I need in my life to make it richer and fuller. I can make this work. I need to make this work. Therefore I need to let go of the the negatives and focus on the possibilities that this change can bring.
       
       Next week will be my 2 year anniversary at work. It's been incredibly challenging and I don't see that ending, yet I appreciate a good challenge. Over the past year I've put essentially everything else on hold to hit the ground running, putting the majority of my time and efforts into my job. I have good days, and the bad can be really bad, but I keep at it - damning the nay-sayers as I go. Tenacity and pushing back are a couple of traits I carry around, whether you look at that as an adverse quality is up to you. It's how I am- and as we know, well behaved women rarely make history, I'm in the frame of mind of making and forming my own history.

       Dating is still stupid.

And there you have it. Update complete.

Frick and Frack

Things have been less than stellar lately. I've been doing my best to manage and not lose my shit on my coworkers or loved ones. Therefore, I've been spending more time alone-though I'm not sure it's helping. A long weekend away was supposed to help, but ultimately, it didn't. I came home feeling a bit more stressed out and wound up than when I left.

It's strange to realize your attitude sucks and keeping it in check, as opposed to being freely angsty and telling others off at any given opportunity. I'm currently at an impasse. I don't know what to do other than bide my time and ride out the bullshit, even though the bullshit seems to keep piling up.

I'm still able to realize and appreciate the good around me and enjoy the little things as they come up. A hug from a friend today watching my Seattle Sounders stomp the Portland Toothpicks into the ground tonight helped immensely. That will always help.

However, I'm still angry, and I'm working really hard on not being angry anymore. I'm definitely attempting the, "Do no harm, but take no shit" approach. Let's see how it goes.