How very Seattle of me to bitch in a blog. Whatever, I've come to terms about being a passive-aggressive Pacific North Westerner and so should you. I'm also a touch more on the aggressive side, so shut your mouth about it.
I thought having dogs in the office would be fun, but before I get
into that let me back up a bit. There is a woman who works here, her
name isn't important, so we'll just call her Bitch Faced Monster Bunt.
BFMB is such a bitch faced monster bunt! She is not what you would call
a warm/friendly person. She only likes people she works with, other
depts can fuck off for all she cares. For example: she seems like a really nice person when she talks to her team, but when it comes to anyone else, she'll laser blast our faces off. We had a fire alarm go off once
and a comment was made that someone burned their popcorn, she came storming
out of her office to yell at us and inform us that it was not a false
alarm. Cuz that's a normal reaction to daily life. She talks loudly because all must hear her! SHE'S SMART! YOU'RE STUPID! EVERYONE MUST KNOW THIS!
All and
all, BFMB sucks.
So you're probably wondering what this has to do with
dogs in the office? BFMB brought her dog in. Gave him a squeaky toy...in
an office. Goes between talking baby talk and yelling at him. I'm fairly certain the poor thing has a complex by now. Shit, my eyes are starting to twitch constantly hearing her. I hate this woman,
and I desperately want to rescue her dog. Also, who brings a squeaky
toy to an open floor office?! What a bitch faced monster bunt.
It's not December yet, therefore tis the season to choke a bitch and steal her dog.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
On a rant
Excitement week starts next week so I thought I'd get all of my rays of sunshine out now while I'm angsty.
"Who wants to play Monopoly?!"
Anyone who has never played probably jumps to the opportunity to play a new game right away, while the rest of us respond in grumbles and head shakes. Those of us who don't know how to have a reasonable reaction to such a question might throw a chair.
Let's face it; Monopoly sucks. It just does. It's maybe fun for the first 10-15 minutes (20 is pushing it), because of the anticipation that you're going to a) be the banker, b) school all of these bitches, and c) own *ALL OF THE PROPERTIES!* then realization quickly seeps in. This game gets way too complicated and dreadfully boring. Parker Brothers realized that people stopped playing Monopoly because many of us turned into that unreasonable reaction guy and one too many chairs went flying through windows, so they had their brainstorm sessions and thought of a new and improved Monopoly- Themed Monopoly. From television shows, music editions, states/countries, decades, etc, etc. There's even Zackopoly. What the fuck is that?
Want the whole list: http://monopoly.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Monopoly_Games_%28Board%29
Breaking Bad Monopoly might get me intrigued, but that's where it stops for me. It's still the same sucky game that takes up the whole freaking day. And it's not like I'm going to be making meth with Walt and Jesse, the premise of the game never changes, the board might, along with the game pieces, but it's the same game.
Not only is it horribly dull, it's stupid expensive too. Suck it Monopoly. You too Parker Brothers.
Moving on
Why do people continue to say, "If money weren't on object..." Do they know what a GD noun is? Money is most definitely an object. Now if they said, "If frivolous spending wasn't a concern..." I'd get behind that. But then again isn't that the American way? Up to our eyeballs in debt because we like shiny, new and pretty? Yet always concerned about where our dollar is going...
We are crazy, the lot of us. Crazy.
I'm house sitting for my mom while she's in Arizona, taking care of her monsters, Holly and Winston
Look at the smile on this little shit's face...
Winston is facing the camera. Typical Holly has turned her back on me.
While I find these two to be mildly (I use that term loosely) entertaining, feeding time is...an experience. These two go bat shit crazy, they stare at me like I can't see that they're wasting away to nothing and why am I not doing anything about it?! ARRRRRGH!! That's the closest I can come to to making frustrated Pug noises over the internet. It's much more garbled than that because of the pushed in nose thing.
Pugs are lemons, which is suitable for the Newlands Clan, as we are a bunch of lemons. The biggest difference is those of us who are upright on 2 legs are not nearly has high maintenance as these two rolly poly sausage dogs with their stick legs that always get you in the most sensitive of areas when you're trying to nap. While these two don't have this habit, apparently pugs are known to lose eyes...like they just pop out. If H & W know what's best for all of us, all eyes should remain in their rightful place while I am there.
I was having a pretty crappy day the other day and I admit, these two cheered me up quite a bit. And they aren't malicious, there's no poo surprises in my shoes in the morning. I appreciate that.
Being in the town I lived in off and on for 7 years (+/-), I've been reminded of why I moved. Sorry if you're a big fan of Covington, but as I lived there as long as I did, it's not for me. It's too far from the city, plus the amount of time I take just traveling to and from work is ridiculous. The other day I realized at 9:30am I had been up for 5 hours, but only at work for 2. That sucks. Seriously bummed me out.
On the up and up, I go home tomorrow night. "Woo, Woo! Whistle Tips!"
http://youtu.be/eSOSJ68xOBA
That's all yo!
"Who wants to play Monopoly?!"
Anyone who has never played probably jumps to the opportunity to play a new game right away, while the rest of us respond in grumbles and head shakes. Those of us who don't know how to have a reasonable reaction to such a question might throw a chair.
Let's face it; Monopoly sucks. It just does. It's maybe fun for the first 10-15 minutes (20 is pushing it), because of the anticipation that you're going to a) be the banker, b) school all of these bitches, and c) own *ALL OF THE PROPERTIES!* then realization quickly seeps in. This game gets way too complicated and dreadfully boring. Parker Brothers realized that people stopped playing Monopoly because many of us turned into that unreasonable reaction guy and one too many chairs went flying through windows, so they had their brainstorm sessions and thought of a new and improved Monopoly- Themed Monopoly. From television shows, music editions, states/countries, decades, etc, etc. There's even Zackopoly. What the fuck is that?
Want the whole list: http://monopoly.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_Monopoly_Games_%28Board%29
Breaking Bad Monopoly might get me intrigued, but that's where it stops for me. It's still the same sucky game that takes up the whole freaking day. And it's not like I'm going to be making meth with Walt and Jesse, the premise of the game never changes, the board might, along with the game pieces, but it's the same game.
Not only is it horribly dull, it's stupid expensive too. Suck it Monopoly. You too Parker Brothers.
Moving on
Why do people continue to say, "If money weren't on object..." Do they know what a GD noun is? Money is most definitely an object. Now if they said, "If frivolous spending wasn't a concern..." I'd get behind that. But then again isn't that the American way? Up to our eyeballs in debt because we like shiny, new and pretty? Yet always concerned about where our dollar is going...
We are crazy, the lot of us. Crazy.
I'm house sitting for my mom while she's in Arizona, taking care of her monsters, Holly and Winston
Look at the smile on this little shit's face...
Winston is facing the camera. Typical Holly has turned her back on me.
While I find these two to be mildly (I use that term loosely) entertaining, feeding time is...an experience. These two go bat shit crazy, they stare at me like I can't see that they're wasting away to nothing and why am I not doing anything about it?! ARRRRRGH!! That's the closest I can come to to making frustrated Pug noises over the internet. It's much more garbled than that because of the pushed in nose thing.
Pugs are lemons, which is suitable for the Newlands Clan, as we are a bunch of lemons. The biggest difference is those of us who are upright on 2 legs are not nearly has high maintenance as these two rolly poly sausage dogs with their stick legs that always get you in the most sensitive of areas when you're trying to nap. While these two don't have this habit, apparently pugs are known to lose eyes...like they just pop out. If H & W know what's best for all of us, all eyes should remain in their rightful place while I am there.
I was having a pretty crappy day the other day and I admit, these two cheered me up quite a bit. And they aren't malicious, there's no poo surprises in my shoes in the morning. I appreciate that.
Being in the town I lived in off and on for 7 years (+/-), I've been reminded of why I moved. Sorry if you're a big fan of Covington, but as I lived there as long as I did, it's not for me. It's too far from the city, plus the amount of time I take just traveling to and from work is ridiculous. The other day I realized at 9:30am I had been up for 5 hours, but only at work for 2. That sucks. Seriously bummed me out.
On the up and up, I go home tomorrow night. "Woo, Woo! Whistle Tips!"
http://youtu.be/eSOSJ68xOBA
That's all yo!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
It's election year....save yourselves.
pro·gres·sive
[pruh-gres-iv]
adjective
1. Favoring or advocating progress, change, improvement, or reform, as opposed to wishing to maintain things as they are, especially in political matters: a progressive mayor.
re·ces·sive
[ri-ses-iv]
adjective
I hate politics. I hate political parties. I hate how close minded and utterly retarded people become when "the issues" are brought to the table. With that being said, have you noticed that the loudest and most obnoxious are usually the most uninformed? Just pay attention to what's going on around you and you'll see what I mean.
I fully admit there are a few issues this time around that really make my blood boil. I'm not a Feminist, but a Humanitarian. I don't believe that I am entitled to anything based solely on the fact that my naughty bits are female. I am capable and should be viewed as such. This is not to say that I don't appreciate what my fore-mothers have done for me to have the freedoms I have today. I am lucky to not live in a completely oppressed society where I have to walk 10 feet behind a man, or not be allowed in public with a man other than my immediate family members (much love). So let's just say that if I was around during the Women's Suffrage Movement, shit might have moved a little faster and I totally would have been stoned to death for being a witch in Salem...I digress. However, I, as a woman, should be able to take care of my body and not be afraid that my government is going to take that human right away from me, since they think to know better about me than I do.
Let's take 5 billion steps backwards where men (and unbelievably, some women) can tell women what to do with their uteri, drag us around by our hair, make us wear prairie dresses, bonnets, and chastity belts (in which all men have a key-just in case the laws change so rape is legalized...amIright Paul Ryan?). Take away our reproductive health care and medicine, but make sure your boners are always at the ready. I'll put it this way: tell women they have no reproductive rights and watch as we revolt against you and your raging boners.
I had a conversation with a Conservative thinker a few months back, I like and respect this person-except I could have throttled him during this chat. We were talking about how politicians feel the need to tell women what we can and cannot do with our bodies. The short end of this ridiculous conversation was a scenario of a married couple who agreed they weren't quite ready for kids and were ensuring that wouldn't happen for them until they were both ready. His point was that there should not be contraceptives and if they were worried about it then stay abstinent. But don't deny the husband sex if he wants it. Again, I really like this person but that was by far the most absurd thing I've ever heard him say. Just cross your fingers that you're infertile ladies...until you can will your bodies the babies you want, since apparently we're magical creatures and can do that too (Right Todd Akin? Apology or not, it's time for a health class refresher).
Let's offend everyone! Liberal = Libtard, Conservative = Asshole. As as nation we have allowed titles to define us. We don't agree with a generalized population so we generalize them further.
"You're a Liberal, that means you're an idiot!"
"You're a Conservative, that means you're an idiot!"
It's all irritating. Please take pause and really, really think about the words you say before you say them.
Can we please evolve a little? Just a little, I don't need us to sprout wings, but stop trying to oppress the general population to your screwed up agenda. Whether it be telling me and my female cohorts how to reproduce or not, telling the working classes how or what we can spend our hard earned money on, or trying really hard to intertwine church and state. Remember what this country was founded on?
Spreading hate by hiding behind religion is not only getting really old, but I'm pretty sure God and Jesus are probably pissed that you're using their names to do so. Jesus was a Liberal Jew-hung out with Lepers, gamblers and whores (so the story goes...). The most non-judgmental man who walked the Earth spreading messages about love, to be an example for all, including the religious zealots who do the exact opposite of being symbols of love to tell others they're going to Hell for a life chalked full of sin. As long as it's in Jesus' name, it's cool to condemn me because you don't agree with me?
Hey! Shut it up already. When did it become alright to stop treating people with dignity and respect? When did it become alright to deny basic human rights to your fellow man? It might be time to go back to preschool to relearn the basics: Treat others as you wish to be treated. Wait your turn to speak. If you don't have anything nice to say, shut your whore mouth. Wash your hands. Don't take photos of your private parts and put them on the Internet if you are going to have a highly public career.
You know, the basics.
It's time to progress. Make a decision, be involved without being the loudest in the room, stand up for what you believe in and, for cryin' out loud, use the democracy to it's fullest-vote. If it doesn't work for you, do something to change it. Shit or get off the pot.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Relentless
Someone said to me the other day that the man who marries me sure will be a lucky guy. Cue me walking away and not looking back. Huh, maybe that should've been pointed out to my husband and not me?
Speaking of which, I saw my him on Monday because I stupidly agreed that he could stop by. I beat myself up for the past few days about how much of an idiot I am, and the reaction I had because of it.
Getting down to brass tacks, I still have incredibly strong feelings for him, both good and bad. Like I'd love to slap him then kiss him, but this isn't a French film. Instead, I'd like to think of him as a bad addiction now that I am in rehab for. Not a pleasant thought over all, but bear with me. He showed up, after a little bit of conversation I asked him to come home. The addiction pulled me back in. I still have mixed feelings as to why he wanted to talk in the first place.
Blah, blah, blah...I took 500 steps back and felt awful/humiliated about it for a couple of days. I've since snapped out of it. We split up our local hangouts, by far, I got the better end of the deal. He gets his shitty bar and the douchey bar down the block. I get the cool places in the West Side, so there's that. There is one place that is neutral ground with the stipulation that if he sees me there he is not to acknowledge me, or it'll come down to (and I can't make this up) rock, paper, scissors-best outta 3. Really though, I'd probably just end up going to another spot.
I mentioned in my last entry that my mom is my hero. The night I saw him, you bet your ass I called her. She let me cry and talked some sense into this jumbled head of mine. God love her for it. Piece by piece the painstaking process of putting the puzzle back together of my sense of self and recognizing the 'norm' of daily living is happening. Even though I do have my moments of being completely overwhelmed where nothing looks or feels right. Yes there is a void that is going to take a really long time to be filled. He didn't just break my heart, he broke my head too. There are days where everything is fine and there are days where I can't get out of bed, but I do.
That's a huge improvement-I still get out of bed, I still do for myself and honestly, I don't have time for anyone who is going to get in my way right now.
Moving on.
I had to weed a few people out of my life recently. People who were toxic and only took but never gave. I'm sure they probably won't ever fully understand, but it is not my job to teach them how to grow up or how to treat other people. That's what parents/family are for. I cannot be responsible for anyone other than me now, so if they're looking for someone to take care of them, I suggest they move back in with their folks. I am unapologetic for the brutal honesty I may send out, but it's time to stop pretending. If you're constantly losing friends, mediocre jobs, and getting evicted from your place of residence but continually find ways to get your hands on your bad habits, perhaps it's time to take a good hard look at what you want for yourself. Again, who am I to judge? I just know that we aren't like-minded any longer and I don't have the patience to wait for those who are still living like responsibility is a foreign language. I'm certainly not trying to paint myself as perfection, seriously. I don't have it all figured out, but Cah'mon!
I'm going to New Orleans in September-flight and hotel have already been booked and it's so great to focus on this thing that I've been looking forward to for so long. It's becoming a reality, even better, Noble is coming with (We're still waiting on confirmation of other friends joining us)! She and I have also made it a point to see each other once a week when she's in town, and you know what? She's the best date there ever was. Hands down.
I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after NOLA. I still want to get a dog, I want to travel more- 2 places on my list are Puerto Rico and Costa Rica (Sloth sanctuary!). After that, we'll see. The travel bug has bitten and I'd like to go somewhere alone to see how well I'd fare. Of course I love having company, but I've never been one to do much of anything alone. Perhaps I'll start with going to a movie by myself first- does that sound lame? I guess I may be too much of a social butterfly.
A couple weeks ago I went on a date. Obviously I'm not ready or willing to be serious with anyone. At the same time, I really like being around people and trying new things out. Plus I haven't been in the dating scene in a long time, I wasn't sure if I'd remember how. He was sweet, funny, charming, handsome, played with a full deck of cards- overall a catch. We talked about going out again, I made full disclosure that I wasn't looking for anything except for casual dating. For some reason that turned into him needing me to explain what exactly that meant. I'm pretty sure I didn't give off the vibe of needing to be in a relationship, but he sure acted as though I meant I needed to meet his parents. Anyway that was the one strike- which is all I was willing to give. The next time we had plans to meet up were met with a cancellation and I let him know that while I understood life happens, cancel on me again I'll walk away.
His response to that was to let me know "I'm a good one, but he was too lazy/busy for casual dating." Funny thing, I don't have time for people who don't have time for me and since we had only been out the one time, who cares? I certainly didn't lose sleep over it, and I do wish him the best, but I think he should look up what casual dating is. I've come to the conclusion that dating is stupid and I might very well just stick to my weekly dates with Noble. Plus with her, there will never be pressure to put out.
Yes, a lot of ups and downs which are to be expected and while I do have a few things I'm looking forward to right now, I'm more concerned with today. I feel good today and that's not a bad place for me.
Speaking of which, I saw my him on Monday because I stupidly agreed that he could stop by. I beat myself up for the past few days about how much of an idiot I am, and the reaction I had because of it.
Getting down to brass tacks, I still have incredibly strong feelings for him, both good and bad. Like I'd love to slap him then kiss him, but this isn't a French film. Instead, I'd like to think of him as a bad addiction now that I am in rehab for. Not a pleasant thought over all, but bear with me. He showed up, after a little bit of conversation I asked him to come home. The addiction pulled me back in. I still have mixed feelings as to why he wanted to talk in the first place.
Blah, blah, blah...I took 500 steps back and felt awful/humiliated about it for a couple of days. I've since snapped out of it. We split up our local hangouts, by far, I got the better end of the deal. He gets his shitty bar and the douchey bar down the block. I get the cool places in the West Side, so there's that. There is one place that is neutral ground with the stipulation that if he sees me there he is not to acknowledge me, or it'll come down to (and I can't make this up) rock, paper, scissors-best outta 3. Really though, I'd probably just end up going to another spot.
I mentioned in my last entry that my mom is my hero. The night I saw him, you bet your ass I called her. She let me cry and talked some sense into this jumbled head of mine. God love her for it. Piece by piece the painstaking process of putting the puzzle back together of my sense of self and recognizing the 'norm' of daily living is happening. Even though I do have my moments of being completely overwhelmed where nothing looks or feels right. Yes there is a void that is going to take a really long time to be filled. He didn't just break my heart, he broke my head too. There are days where everything is fine and there are days where I can't get out of bed, but I do.
That's a huge improvement-I still get out of bed, I still do for myself and honestly, I don't have time for anyone who is going to get in my way right now.
Moving on.
I had to weed a few people out of my life recently. People who were toxic and only took but never gave. I'm sure they probably won't ever fully understand, but it is not my job to teach them how to grow up or how to treat other people. That's what parents/family are for. I cannot be responsible for anyone other than me now, so if they're looking for someone to take care of them, I suggest they move back in with their folks. I am unapologetic for the brutal honesty I may send out, but it's time to stop pretending. If you're constantly losing friends, mediocre jobs, and getting evicted from your place of residence but continually find ways to get your hands on your bad habits, perhaps it's time to take a good hard look at what you want for yourself. Again, who am I to judge? I just know that we aren't like-minded any longer and I don't have the patience to wait for those who are still living like responsibility is a foreign language. I'm certainly not trying to paint myself as perfection, seriously. I don't have it all figured out, but Cah'mon!
I'm going to New Orleans in September-flight and hotel have already been booked and it's so great to focus on this thing that I've been looking forward to for so long. It's becoming a reality, even better, Noble is coming with (We're still waiting on confirmation of other friends joining us)! She and I have also made it a point to see each other once a week when she's in town, and you know what? She's the best date there ever was. Hands down.
I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after NOLA. I still want to get a dog, I want to travel more- 2 places on my list are Puerto Rico and Costa Rica (Sloth sanctuary!). After that, we'll see. The travel bug has bitten and I'd like to go somewhere alone to see how well I'd fare. Of course I love having company, but I've never been one to do much of anything alone. Perhaps I'll start with going to a movie by myself first- does that sound lame? I guess I may be too much of a social butterfly.
A couple weeks ago I went on a date. Obviously I'm not ready or willing to be serious with anyone. At the same time, I really like being around people and trying new things out. Plus I haven't been in the dating scene in a long time, I wasn't sure if I'd remember how. He was sweet, funny, charming, handsome, played with a full deck of cards- overall a catch. We talked about going out again, I made full disclosure that I wasn't looking for anything except for casual dating. For some reason that turned into him needing me to explain what exactly that meant. I'm pretty sure I didn't give off the vibe of needing to be in a relationship, but he sure acted as though I meant I needed to meet his parents. Anyway that was the one strike- which is all I was willing to give. The next time we had plans to meet up were met with a cancellation and I let him know that while I understood life happens, cancel on me again I'll walk away.
His response to that was to let me know "I'm a good one, but he was too lazy/busy for casual dating." Funny thing, I don't have time for people who don't have time for me and since we had only been out the one time, who cares? I certainly didn't lose sleep over it, and I do wish him the best, but I think he should look up what casual dating is. I've come to the conclusion that dating is stupid and I might very well just stick to my weekly dates with Noble. Plus with her, there will never be pressure to put out.
Yes, a lot of ups and downs which are to be expected and while I do have a few things I'm looking forward to right now, I'm more concerned with today. I feel good today and that's not a bad place for me.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
What a freaking mess
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and I've been diagnosed with severe depression (duh) and post traumatic stress disorder. It stems from my father's death and I can't seem to get past it. I thought I was doing respectfully well with that, funny how things rear their ugly heads in times of crippling depression. The loss of my Love and the loss of my Friend tipped the scales for me and sent me into an incredibly dark place.
During the appointment, I had some blood work done and the nurse made a comment about when I get married and have kids of my own...I stopped listening to her to shut her out in order not to cry or lash out at a woman who had no idea of what I was going through.
I talked with my soon to be ex-husband the other day. He agreed to pay for the divorce since he's the one that broke our marriage. He also tried to tell me that he still cares, but really, he could fill a bucket full of the shits he doesn't give (I got that analogy from a friend).The only shit his gives and has proven time and time again is for himself. I am not here to satisfy other people's self gratification, and if anyone comes to me with those intentions in mind, well, they can fuck right off. Lesson learned, and learned the hardest way imaginable. It's funny to think that I still had trace amounts of hope left in me that he would pull his head out and stop this charade of pretending everything is fine with him and he'd come back. I do not love him or want anything to do with him anymore. I am sorry it came to this, but I've been pushed too far.
My emotions are fully out on my sleeve and can send me into a tailspin at any given moment. This causes me to feel incredibly weak. To the point of being completely pathetic. Almost all of last week, I worked from home because I couldn't bear to be out in public. It took me a long time today, but I finally made it into the office this morning (only 2 hours late...). I'm lucky to work for a company that isn't hellbent about showing up on time. As long as you show up or log in and put in your time, you're golden.
I hate Father's Day. Hate it. I haven't always been one to conceal my true feelings about anything and can comprehend how difficult that can be for certain people in my life- particularly my Mom. She sent me a Father's Day card with a list of 10 things she remembers of instances between my Dad and me. She did the same for my Brother. Her intent was 'food for thought'. She asked that I come up with some things to add to the list for myself. I only gave her a few things, but I could write a book with what a great influence he had in my life. With all of the crap I'm going through right now, I wish he was here more than ever. He was my biggest confidant, we had ourselves wrapped around each others fingers and he was such a force in my life, that I just feel empty without him here.
My family is amazing and even though we're a bunch of lemons, I wouldn't trade them for any other family. My Mother is by far my biggest inspiration and hero. She has faced some of the hardest things in life that if the tables had been turned and it was me facing them, I'd probably be in a looney bin somewhere. She is incredibly strong, I admire her greatly. I hope that I can gain some of the strength she has from this.
Then there's my Brother, always the funny cynic who has never been afraid to tell me to buck up or be completely supportive of me. I am blessed that he and I are friends as well as family. It's good to know I can rely on him for a swift kick or a shoulder when desperately needed. Plus the guy was handed a shitty hand in regards to his health, but he's come through. He's 10 feet tall and bullet proof.
The support system I have is so impressive and I like my job very much, which is a nice change from hating every job prior to Amazon. So I have those things going for me. Yet, there is a huge hole in my life which makes me feel like the positives don't outweigh the negatives at the moment.
I'll set your wondering minds at ease. I might be in a dark place now, but I will never consider or cause self harm. This is the lowest point of my life, and even though I feel completely broken, I am determined to make myself better. For now, I've accepted the fact that I'm a touch crazy.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A Continued Work in Progress
This one's a doozy and is going to be incredibly difficult to write.
Actually this entry has been on my mind for quite a while, I've been trying to find the right words. I don't think I have them yet, but if I don't write about it, I won't. As I look at this blog as a part of the healing process, I owe it to myself to do my best to try and heal.
I've heard the phrase, "When it rains it pours", but it's never rang so true more than now.
Mother's Day-my dear friend Cameron threatened suicide and the out-pour from that turned out to be what many of us considered to be a blessing. It was a loud cry, he received the help he was looking for. He went to get help for the depression he had been struggling with for a long time. There was a collective sigh of relief throughout his community of friends and family.
Memorial Day weekend- Cameron and I got together Sunday night and hung out, talked, laughed, cried until 4am. I can honestly say that he was the first person since all of my heartache started that fully understood what I was going through and vice versa. He seemed to be on the up and up, we planned on seeing Leonard Cohen and various shows/concerts, he wanted to move back to West Seattle and I opened my home to him any time he wanted to come visit, to get away from it all.
Monday morning-Memorial Day: Cameron was a Marine and for the occasion, I took him out to breakfast where we laughed more and completely enjoyed being in each others company. Reveling in the past and getting down to brass tacks. Cameron was dealing with loss. The loss of something he (like so many of us do) felt as though he had taken advantage of and only realized how important it was to him once it was gone. The only person he wanted to talk to had cut him off (sound familiar?). While talking with him I made a comment stating, "It feels like your heart doesn't beat right, and it's hard to breathe." The look he gave me was the realization that someone understood at the same time while he was going through it.
After breakfast, I dropped him off at a friend's place and I told him I loved him.
There is a difference between someone giving you unsolicited advice and 'knowing' what you're going through when they've been through it in the past versus someone experiencing the same pain at the same time you are. It's a connection that alleviates the soul wrenching even if only temporarily. I found it refreshing that we could lean on each other, to talk about it, or not whenever shit started to feel like more than we could handle.
June 4, 2012- It was more than he could handle. My dear, sweet, funny friend died that morning. I don't know how. I don't want to know. I have my memories of him and I choose to keep them just the way they are. He and I had always had a good connection. I loved arguing with him, he had such strong convictions in his beliefs whether they were political, religious, moral, artistic-whatever. The man had a point of view and dammit, he wanted you to know what it was regardless if you agreed with him or not. Disagreeing with him was wicked fun, he was too easy to egg on.
He had a laugh that was so infectious, just hearing him laugh caused people around him to laugh. He had a great sense of humor that had the potential for anyone to pee their pants. The jokes always flowed, the use of the word 'douche' was tossed around more times than one can blink. The amount of talent that poured from his very being was inspirational. I had seen Cam play shows many times, I loved to support him in his efforts to do more.
There were times we didn't see each other as often as I would have liked, but I lit up whenever I saw him. I adored him, even if he was a jackass-which he had tendencies to be. He was a light on the darkest of days. I am so saddened to know he put his light out. I refuse to. Cameron was so influential in my life as he was to many others. His story will continue as long as I am around...and of sound mind.
Monday, June 11, was his funeral. It was difficult as well as bittersweet, as most funerals are.
I have a mix of emotions that flood through me when I think of him and what happened. I previously stated that it's hard to breathe. In my own selfish way, I feel left behind. I lost the person that connected with me in a way no one else did at a time we both needed each other. Of course there is anger and sadness, but there is also love and peace. I wish he could have held out, I wish he would have called, I'll probably always wonder if there was more I could do. At the same time, I know his pain is gone and the sense of peace I get when I think of that washes over me. Almost like he's telling me he's alright and it will get better, even for me.
I am so happy to know that the last words we said to each other were, "I love you." He knew he was loved, he always will be.
This is my promise to you Cameron Betts,
I promise to never give up. I promise to always do my best to keep my head up even when the world tells me to look down. I will see through the pain, I will keep strong and my faith in love and humanity. To never stop arguing, fighting the man, and standing up for what I believe in-including myself. I promise to always be true to those that I love and forgive those who have wronged me. I promise to never forget you and always carry you in my heart.
I love you.
Actually this entry has been on my mind for quite a while, I've been trying to find the right words. I don't think I have them yet, but if I don't write about it, I won't. As I look at this blog as a part of the healing process, I owe it to myself to do my best to try and heal.
I've heard the phrase, "When it rains it pours", but it's never rang so true more than now.
Mother's Day-my dear friend Cameron threatened suicide and the out-pour from that turned out to be what many of us considered to be a blessing. It was a loud cry, he received the help he was looking for. He went to get help for the depression he had been struggling with for a long time. There was a collective sigh of relief throughout his community of friends and family.
Memorial Day weekend- Cameron and I got together Sunday night and hung out, talked, laughed, cried until 4am. I can honestly say that he was the first person since all of my heartache started that fully understood what I was going through and vice versa. He seemed to be on the up and up, we planned on seeing Leonard Cohen and various shows/concerts, he wanted to move back to West Seattle and I opened my home to him any time he wanted to come visit, to get away from it all.
Monday morning-Memorial Day: Cameron was a Marine and for the occasion, I took him out to breakfast where we laughed more and completely enjoyed being in each others company. Reveling in the past and getting down to brass tacks. Cameron was dealing with loss. The loss of something he (like so many of us do) felt as though he had taken advantage of and only realized how important it was to him once it was gone. The only person he wanted to talk to had cut him off (sound familiar?). While talking with him I made a comment stating, "It feels like your heart doesn't beat right, and it's hard to breathe." The look he gave me was the realization that someone understood at the same time while he was going through it.
After breakfast, I dropped him off at a friend's place and I told him I loved him.
There is a difference between someone giving you unsolicited advice and 'knowing' what you're going through when they've been through it in the past versus someone experiencing the same pain at the same time you are. It's a connection that alleviates the soul wrenching even if only temporarily. I found it refreshing that we could lean on each other, to talk about it, or not whenever shit started to feel like more than we could handle.
June 4, 2012- It was more than he could handle. My dear, sweet, funny friend died that morning. I don't know how. I don't want to know. I have my memories of him and I choose to keep them just the way they are. He and I had always had a good connection. I loved arguing with him, he had such strong convictions in his beliefs whether they were political, religious, moral, artistic-whatever. The man had a point of view and dammit, he wanted you to know what it was regardless if you agreed with him or not. Disagreeing with him was wicked fun, he was too easy to egg on.
He had a laugh that was so infectious, just hearing him laugh caused people around him to laugh. He had a great sense of humor that had the potential for anyone to pee their pants. The jokes always flowed, the use of the word 'douche' was tossed around more times than one can blink. The amount of talent that poured from his very being was inspirational. I had seen Cam play shows many times, I loved to support him in his efforts to do more.
There were times we didn't see each other as often as I would have liked, but I lit up whenever I saw him. I adored him, even if he was a jackass-which he had tendencies to be. He was a light on the darkest of days. I am so saddened to know he put his light out. I refuse to. Cameron was so influential in my life as he was to many others. His story will continue as long as I am around...and of sound mind.
Monday, June 11, was his funeral. It was difficult as well as bittersweet, as most funerals are.
I have a mix of emotions that flood through me when I think of him and what happened. I previously stated that it's hard to breathe. In my own selfish way, I feel left behind. I lost the person that connected with me in a way no one else did at a time we both needed each other. Of course there is anger and sadness, but there is also love and peace. I wish he could have held out, I wish he would have called, I'll probably always wonder if there was more I could do. At the same time, I know his pain is gone and the sense of peace I get when I think of that washes over me. Almost like he's telling me he's alright and it will get better, even for me.
I am so happy to know that the last words we said to each other were, "I love you." He knew he was loved, he always will be.
This is my promise to you Cameron Betts,
I promise to never give up. I promise to always do my best to keep my head up even when the world tells me to look down. I will see through the pain, I will keep strong and my faith in love and humanity. To never stop arguing, fighting the man, and standing up for what I believe in-including myself. I promise to always be true to those that I love and forgive those who have wronged me. I promise to never forget you and always carry you in my heart.
I love you.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Zombies, Travels and Acceptance...kinda
A man in Florida ate another man's face. **Ate his face** I can honestly say, my troubles do not come remotely close to that.
The weekend of June 8-10 I'll be heading to Portland for the Portland Fruit Beer Festival and to see some of my favorite people that walk this earth. I'm also looking forward to having a 3 day weekend before I have to get back into my wonky schedule of Tuesday-Saturdays.
September (dates TBD) I'm headed to New Orleans with my closest gals for a week chalked full of good food, music, people and for all of us to take a break from our daily grinds and whatever heartaches we're going through. Alright, so I'm the only one going through the heartache, but god love my girls for sticking with me.
After that, we'll see. I have a lot of time on my hands now, and oddly enough, more money. Of course I immensely enjoy more time and money, but I think if I could trade it in for what was, I would. However, what was will never be again. I am not the biggest dreamer. I don't live on hopes and wishes alone. I am a realist so for now, I get time and money. This isn't to say that I'm well off now by any means, but there are more opportunities for me to do/see/experience things I've always wanted to.
I still have the pain and anger to work through of all of this crap. I was dealt a shitty hand yet, instead of burying my head in the sand or refusing to deal with it at all, I am taking it on head first. Small signs of acceptance and indifference are starting to make their appearances which I appreciate. They aren't quite here, but they're well on their way. I have nothing more to say to him, I've said all I needed to. He's trying to place blame on me now for things and he knows is grasping at straws. He knows who I am, I talk. If I talk in a blog, well, it's up to the reader to read. He believes it will be awkward to see his friends because they know what's going on...but it would not be awkward since he cut everyone out of his life? Right. He also knows he has no one to blame but himself, it's just easier to allow pride to get in the way and point fingers at other people for your mistakes. He's still trying to take the easy way out, that's just not commendable.
It might have been different should he have shown remorse or had been willing to give her up. But he's not remorseful and she's still around...like mold. Can't get the bitch to leave well enough alone no matter how much bleach you pour on her. Whatever, the more home wreckers meet each other and start a relationship together, means good things for those of us that believe in monogamy. It seems there are so few of us left these days.
A thought crossed my mind today that rattled me, "I am getting a divorce. I, Samantha Newlands, who doesn't believe in divorce, is getting one." This whole situation just makes me sad. You think you know someone better than you know yourself, and they turn around and surprise the hell out of you.
I'm a busy woman with no time for games or bullshit. I know what I want out of life and if the people I meet throughout my journey are about the games, I'm not interested. I might not have everything figured out, but I am aware of the goals I've set for myself. I want to be surrounded by people who are like-minded but still know how to enjoy the punches life throws.
The weekend of June 8-10 I'll be heading to Portland for the Portland Fruit Beer Festival and to see some of my favorite people that walk this earth. I'm also looking forward to having a 3 day weekend before I have to get back into my wonky schedule of Tuesday-Saturdays.
September (dates TBD) I'm headed to New Orleans with my closest gals for a week chalked full of good food, music, people and for all of us to take a break from our daily grinds and whatever heartaches we're going through. Alright, so I'm the only one going through the heartache, but god love my girls for sticking with me.
After that, we'll see. I have a lot of time on my hands now, and oddly enough, more money. Of course I immensely enjoy more time and money, but I think if I could trade it in for what was, I would. However, what was will never be again. I am not the biggest dreamer. I don't live on hopes and wishes alone. I am a realist so for now, I get time and money. This isn't to say that I'm well off now by any means, but there are more opportunities for me to do/see/experience things I've always wanted to.
I still have the pain and anger to work through of all of this crap. I was dealt a shitty hand yet, instead of burying my head in the sand or refusing to deal with it at all, I am taking it on head first. Small signs of acceptance and indifference are starting to make their appearances which I appreciate. They aren't quite here, but they're well on their way. I have nothing more to say to him, I've said all I needed to. He's trying to place blame on me now for things and he knows is grasping at straws. He knows who I am, I talk. If I talk in a blog, well, it's up to the reader to read. He believes it will be awkward to see his friends because they know what's going on...but it would not be awkward since he cut everyone out of his life? Right. He also knows he has no one to blame but himself, it's just easier to allow pride to get in the way and point fingers at other people for your mistakes. He's still trying to take the easy way out, that's just not commendable.
It might have been different should he have shown remorse or had been willing to give her up. But he's not remorseful and she's still around...like mold. Can't get the bitch to leave well enough alone no matter how much bleach you pour on her. Whatever, the more home wreckers meet each other and start a relationship together, means good things for those of us that believe in monogamy. It seems there are so few of us left these days.
A thought crossed my mind today that rattled me, "I am getting a divorce. I, Samantha Newlands, who doesn't believe in divorce, is getting one." This whole situation just makes me sad. You think you know someone better than you know yourself, and they turn around and surprise the hell out of you.
I'm a busy woman with no time for games or bullshit. I know what I want out of life and if the people I meet throughout my journey are about the games, I'm not interested. I might not have everything figured out, but I am aware of the goals I've set for myself. I want to be surrounded by people who are like-minded but still know how to enjoy the punches life throws.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Mid Year Resolutions
I've discovered recently even numbered years and I do not get along. The odd numbered years are always better and maybe it's coincidence, the yin and yang balance of everything, but I would like a little more variety. Let's mix it up a bit. I had been looking forward to turning 30, as I had heard as long as I can remember, 30 is the best. Well, actually, 30 can suck it. 29 was a fantastic year, but that is gone, as is a lot of what made it such a great year, so I am eager to see what 31 is going to do for me. It has to be better than this right?
Can we have New Years resolutions a few months after the new year starts? 5-6 months seems to be a more adequate time to make resolutions. We're 1/2 way there, or close enough to half way that reevaluating your original resolutions might be in order.
So you find yourself to be a 30 year old woman who thought you had the world in the palm of your hand, perfect man, great job, travel possibilities, a new place to live, benefits, good pay, and the potential of maybe starting a family. Then the rug is taken from under your feet. I'm still 30, still have a great job, and travel is always a possibility. But my perfect man is now a stranger, the new place doesn't feel like home- since it's right up the street from where we got married so even if he or his things aren't there, he is always there! I can't get rid of him. Plus the thoughts of starting a family have fizzled and gone out. I was never fully comfortable with the thought of having a kid, but somehow it didn't seem so scary with him in the picture. I think a lot of the time he was telling himself how he wanted to feel which came off to me as how he actually felt. The pain of all of this is still fresh, even though I've been sorting through it for 5 fucking months now, it just now finally feels...final.
What's the redefined resolution? Does it need to be filtered a few times because at the moment I feel hurt, petty, distrusting, and bitter? After all, a resolution should be a positive change or challenge, not negative. I've been reading a lot about forgiveness lately. At the moment it is just not a possibility, though, it hasn't been completely written off. I know I will forgive him, but right now my wounds are still too new and I still haven't wrapped my head completely around this.
Infidelity, lies, running scared and then making me out to be the bad guy. I know his intent is to not make me feel like I'm at fault for anything and I still don't blame myself, but there was a moment where he came at me because of the actions of someone else. Like I have control over anyone. If I could have peeked in his head to see what was going on, maybe I could have helped. Life doesn't work that way, however. Even thinking that is false. He was not willing to bend or work with me at all. He shut himself off and did everything he could to make me just go away. So seeing into his mind would have only made this come to an end a lot sooner. Maybe he wouldn't have cheated, who knows- Why waste my time thinking about it?
Part of the healing process for me is over analyzing absolutely everything. I know I did everything I could, I was a good wife to him. I am still a good person and I have a lot of life, love and light to give. Trying to convince myself I'll be alright is the hardest part for me since I don't fully believe it yet. The repetition of saying that 3 word phrase, "I'll be OK", to friends and family might make it sink in. Hopefully I'll just wake up one day soon and it will all be over for me. No more pain, no regrets. It hasn't sunk in yet and I certainly don't feel alright. There is a hole in my life that someone put there.
It is well known that I am a giving and tolerant person. I consider it both a gift and a curse. A gift because my friendships are true and I'll keep ya around for a really, really long time. A curse because people who I meet see that and take advantage of it, even when I think I know them better to treat me poorly, it happens. Therefore the new resolution is that I am going to be more guarded. This heart now has sharp pointy knives protecting it and it will take someone really special to get them away.
That's where I am today. Not good, not as bad as yesterday. Shit, I got out of bed today which is a significant improvement from yesterday. Baby steps, ya'll. That's what I'm working on.
Can we have New Years resolutions a few months after the new year starts? 5-6 months seems to be a more adequate time to make resolutions. We're 1/2 way there, or close enough to half way that reevaluating your original resolutions might be in order.
So you find yourself to be a 30 year old woman who thought you had the world in the palm of your hand, perfect man, great job, travel possibilities, a new place to live, benefits, good pay, and the potential of maybe starting a family. Then the rug is taken from under your feet. I'm still 30, still have a great job, and travel is always a possibility. But my perfect man is now a stranger, the new place doesn't feel like home- since it's right up the street from where we got married so even if he or his things aren't there, he is always there! I can't get rid of him. Plus the thoughts of starting a family have fizzled and gone out. I was never fully comfortable with the thought of having a kid, but somehow it didn't seem so scary with him in the picture. I think a lot of the time he was telling himself how he wanted to feel which came off to me as how he actually felt. The pain of all of this is still fresh, even though I've been sorting through it for 5 fucking months now, it just now finally feels...final.
What's the redefined resolution? Does it need to be filtered a few times because at the moment I feel hurt, petty, distrusting, and bitter? After all, a resolution should be a positive change or challenge, not negative. I've been reading a lot about forgiveness lately. At the moment it is just not a possibility, though, it hasn't been completely written off. I know I will forgive him, but right now my wounds are still too new and I still haven't wrapped my head completely around this.
Infidelity, lies, running scared and then making me out to be the bad guy. I know his intent is to not make me feel like I'm at fault for anything and I still don't blame myself, but there was a moment where he came at me because of the actions of someone else. Like I have control over anyone. If I could have peeked in his head to see what was going on, maybe I could have helped. Life doesn't work that way, however. Even thinking that is false. He was not willing to bend or work with me at all. He shut himself off and did everything he could to make me just go away. So seeing into his mind would have only made this come to an end a lot sooner. Maybe he wouldn't have cheated, who knows- Why waste my time thinking about it?
Part of the healing process for me is over analyzing absolutely everything. I know I did everything I could, I was a good wife to him. I am still a good person and I have a lot of life, love and light to give. Trying to convince myself I'll be alright is the hardest part for me since I don't fully believe it yet. The repetition of saying that 3 word phrase, "I'll be OK", to friends and family might make it sink in. Hopefully I'll just wake up one day soon and it will all be over for me. No more pain, no regrets. It hasn't sunk in yet and I certainly don't feel alright. There is a hole in my life that someone put there.
It is well known that I am a giving and tolerant person. I consider it both a gift and a curse. A gift because my friendships are true and I'll keep ya around for a really, really long time. A curse because people who I meet see that and take advantage of it, even when I think I know them better to treat me poorly, it happens. Therefore the new resolution is that I am going to be more guarded. This heart now has sharp pointy knives protecting it and it will take someone really special to get them away.
That's where I am today. Not good, not as bad as yesterday. Shit, I got out of bed today which is a significant improvement from yesterday. Baby steps, ya'll. That's what I'm working on.
Friday, May 18, 2012
To thine own self be true...right?
I'm obviously not good at keeping up with this blogging stuff. I have moments of needing to write and moments of thoughts being too jumbled. These past few days/weeks have been really scrambled. I've needed time to process what's going on in my life.
He came over on Sunday with the intention of talking divorce. I let him know I didn't want one due to the emotional hoopla I was going through, that I needed time to be certain of what actions to take. This took him by surprise as he had mentally prepared himself for it, thinking it was what I wanted all along.
I don't want any of this. Obviously, at the moment, I'm not going to get exactly what I want, but I am doing a fairly good job of keeping things as 'normal' as possible. I haven't completely acclimated to my new life, and I'm not yet comfortable in it. However, I've had an outpouring of love and support from my nearest and dearest. I don't know where I would be without them.
The conversation was so split down the middle, very emotional for both of us and at the same time, we had fun together, like nothing was amiss. This left us both confused as to what to do. I won't go into detail of all that was said for numerous reasons, A)it is private, B) I am still processing all of this information, and C) Too many friends and family have access to read this. I'm not ashamed of anything and I would never put anything into the world wide web if I couldn't say it to your face. Regardless, I'm not quite certain how to move on or what the next step is. Day by day.
We did agree that divorce is off the table for now. We are staying separated and I am still maintaining my life the best I know how to. There is still a lot of love, there has been better communication, and there is a lot to sort out.
It was pointed out to me that the worst of it is pretty much over, all of the hard to hear parts have been said and now it's up to me on how I want to proceed.
OK, so how do I proceed? He told me Sunday that I'm the best/the greatest. So why leave the best for couch surfing and plastic emotions? Again, this doesn't make any sense to me. I've been lonely more so recently than since this all started. Seeing him and knowing there are still strong feelings on both sides. It was easy to convince himself those feelings dissipated but upon seeing me, they came flooding back.
Had dinner with some friends the other day and this topic came up. My dear friends are supportive and don't want me to get hurt anymore, I understand that and love them for it. I explained to them, "This is my life, and my life is worth fighting for."
I ran into his workplace on Wednesday, he was surprised to see me there. The air became heavy, as if my presence there was too unpredictable...like I'd throw a chair out the windows or something. I smiled when I saw him, handed him some mail that came to the house for him and we made plans to get together again this weekend, a hug, a kiss and I was on my merry way. I changed the quality of the air by walking in, and changed it again just by being calm and relaxed while being there. Later that night I drove by, he was outside, I honked, waved and continued home without stopping. It felt oddly liberating.
It's difficult to live in the same neighborhood he works and couch surfs in. So close and so very far.
He came over on Sunday with the intention of talking divorce. I let him know I didn't want one due to the emotional hoopla I was going through, that I needed time to be certain of what actions to take. This took him by surprise as he had mentally prepared himself for it, thinking it was what I wanted all along.
I don't want any of this. Obviously, at the moment, I'm not going to get exactly what I want, but I am doing a fairly good job of keeping things as 'normal' as possible. I haven't completely acclimated to my new life, and I'm not yet comfortable in it. However, I've had an outpouring of love and support from my nearest and dearest. I don't know where I would be without them.
The conversation was so split down the middle, very emotional for both of us and at the same time, we had fun together, like nothing was amiss. This left us both confused as to what to do. I won't go into detail of all that was said for numerous reasons, A)it is private, B) I am still processing all of this information, and C) Too many friends and family have access to read this. I'm not ashamed of anything and I would never put anything into the world wide web if I couldn't say it to your face. Regardless, I'm not quite certain how to move on or what the next step is. Day by day.
We did agree that divorce is off the table for now. We are staying separated and I am still maintaining my life the best I know how to. There is still a lot of love, there has been better communication, and there is a lot to sort out.
It was pointed out to me that the worst of it is pretty much over, all of the hard to hear parts have been said and now it's up to me on how I want to proceed.
OK, so how do I proceed? He told me Sunday that I'm the best/the greatest. So why leave the best for couch surfing and plastic emotions? Again, this doesn't make any sense to me. I've been lonely more so recently than since this all started. Seeing him and knowing there are still strong feelings on both sides. It was easy to convince himself those feelings dissipated but upon seeing me, they came flooding back.
Had dinner with some friends the other day and this topic came up. My dear friends are supportive and don't want me to get hurt anymore, I understand that and love them for it. I explained to them, "This is my life, and my life is worth fighting for."
I ran into his workplace on Wednesday, he was surprised to see me there. The air became heavy, as if my presence there was too unpredictable...like I'd throw a chair out the windows or something. I smiled when I saw him, handed him some mail that came to the house for him and we made plans to get together again this weekend, a hug, a kiss and I was on my merry way. I changed the quality of the air by walking in, and changed it again just by being calm and relaxed while being there. Later that night I drove by, he was outside, I honked, waved and continued home without stopping. It felt oddly liberating.
It's difficult to live in the same neighborhood he works and couch surfs in. So close and so very far.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Day 1
My old blog was deleted when I deleted my last email address, so I'm starting fresh. There are a lot of things I'm reflecting on that need a fresh start.
Small recap:
September 24, 2010- He proposed
October 27, 2010- My Dad died
April 30, 2011-We were married on a beautiful day in Seattle.
November 2011-I started a new job with Amazon.com
January 2012-I turned 30 and paid off my car
February 2012-We moved to a bigger apartment in West Seattle and talked about starting a family.
Shit.Hit.The.Fan.
Fast forward to present day. Today is May 3, 2012.
My best friend, love of my life...my person and I are separated. For reasons still unbeknownst to me, at least from his end- I think he became scared and just took off. I asked him to move his things out and he did without much fuss or fight. I simply couldn't handle the back and forth, the stress of never knowing if he was coming home and never knowing where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. He ended up stopping all forms of communication with me.
I know he sought comfort, not necessarily in the arms of another (that I know of), but definitely emotionally. While I stood by and kept asking him to come back to me, that I would always be that person for him. I wasn't good enough or at least I wasn't the one he wanted. I became a chore, the relationship became actual work. We stopped enjoying each others company and started fighting all the time. We tried counseling, after about 4 visits, he decided he didn't want to go anymore. And then he quit on me all together.
Our anniversary just passed and he went to California, while I stayed home, letting the realization creep in that this isn't going to work. I've never blamed myself and from what he has repeatedly told me, I was never at fault for anything. He simply quit and left me behind while he tries to figure out what it is he wants out of life.
I have friends and family who have stood by me through all of this. By all means I understand they are trying to be supportive, but it's coming off like barking orders at me of what I should do as opposed to letting me breathe and sort my turned-upside-down life into something recognizable. People don't seem to realize that it's not a switch I can turn on or off to cast my feelings for such a huge part of my life aside. I don't expect them to understand. This isn't just a hard breakup...this was someone who promised me his life while I promised him mine.
It is so easy to say I'm going to file for divorce. But as soon as I started going through the paperwork, I could not bring myself to do it. I became a blubbering mess. It made me wish there was a switch I could turn off in order to remove my emotions from all of this, but it's impossible. I've always considered myself to be a logical thinker and in order for me to understand, it has to make sense. None of this makes sense. I gave all that I had, loved unconditionally and raised him up when he was down. He used to do the same for me, and by doing so made me want to be a better person.
This person now, that is not my husband, not my friend. He is a stranger in my husband's body and I am not fond of this guy. I want him to go away and give me my sweet man back. I don't think my husband is ever coming home again.
I've come to the conclusion that instead of jumping straight to divorce, I'm going to take some time for myself at this point. Relaxing is key right now and it's time for me to become comfortable in my home, in my skin and in this new life. Trying to make such a definitive decision when everything is so emotional can cause mistakes and regret. I need to know that I am of clear mind, body and soul before I do anything. This is my decision and it is final until further notice.
Small recap:
September 24, 2010- He proposed
October 27, 2010- My Dad died
April 30, 2011-We were married on a beautiful day in Seattle.
November 2011-I started a new job with Amazon.com
January 2012-I turned 30 and paid off my car
February 2012-We moved to a bigger apartment in West Seattle and talked about starting a family.
Shit.Hit.The.Fan.
Fast forward to present day. Today is May 3, 2012.
My best friend, love of my life...my person and I are separated. For reasons still unbeknownst to me, at least from his end- I think he became scared and just took off. I asked him to move his things out and he did without much fuss or fight. I simply couldn't handle the back and forth, the stress of never knowing if he was coming home and never knowing where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. He ended up stopping all forms of communication with me.
I know he sought comfort, not necessarily in the arms of another (that I know of), but definitely emotionally. While I stood by and kept asking him to come back to me, that I would always be that person for him. I wasn't good enough or at least I wasn't the one he wanted. I became a chore, the relationship became actual work. We stopped enjoying each others company and started fighting all the time. We tried counseling, after about 4 visits, he decided he didn't want to go anymore. And then he quit on me all together.
Our anniversary just passed and he went to California, while I stayed home, letting the realization creep in that this isn't going to work. I've never blamed myself and from what he has repeatedly told me, I was never at fault for anything. He simply quit and left me behind while he tries to figure out what it is he wants out of life.
I have friends and family who have stood by me through all of this. By all means I understand they are trying to be supportive, but it's coming off like barking orders at me of what I should do as opposed to letting me breathe and sort my turned-upside-down life into something recognizable. People don't seem to realize that it's not a switch I can turn on or off to cast my feelings for such a huge part of my life aside. I don't expect them to understand. This isn't just a hard breakup...this was someone who promised me his life while I promised him mine.
It is so easy to say I'm going to file for divorce. But as soon as I started going through the paperwork, I could not bring myself to do it. I became a blubbering mess. It made me wish there was a switch I could turn off in order to remove my emotions from all of this, but it's impossible. I've always considered myself to be a logical thinker and in order for me to understand, it has to make sense. None of this makes sense. I gave all that I had, loved unconditionally and raised him up when he was down. He used to do the same for me, and by doing so made me want to be a better person.
This person now, that is not my husband, not my friend. He is a stranger in my husband's body and I am not fond of this guy. I want him to go away and give me my sweet man back. I don't think my husband is ever coming home again.
I've come to the conclusion that instead of jumping straight to divorce, I'm going to take some time for myself at this point. Relaxing is key right now and it's time for me to become comfortable in my home, in my skin and in this new life. Trying to make such a definitive decision when everything is so emotional can cause mistakes and regret. I need to know that I am of clear mind, body and soul before I do anything. This is my decision and it is final until further notice.
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