This Isn’t Normal Is It?

If you could, without having to actually do anything, try human flesh? There was a mock product with website a few years ago called Hufu which was supposedly a tofu product manufactured to taste like human flesh. There’s a Wikipedia  page dedicated to it if you don’t believe me. Also, in the description of this fakery, the creators of Hufu spent time with a cannibalistic tribe in South America in order to get a good taste/quality control tests to make sure it was accurate (source needed).

The other day, I saw another article on happyplace.com about another product of human burger patties created by 2 chefs in London. I realize that happyplace.com is probably a really bad source for reliable news, but they aren’t any worse than CNN- amiright? Zing! Anyway, like Hufu, it isn’t actually meat made from people. There are no babies in cages being fattened up for their livers or other tasty baby parts.

This poses the original question, would you try it? I think I would. I also realize that this thought process is seriously fucked up. I get that. I consider it to be a, “Go for it!” kind of attitude. I’ve also been thinking about this since I heard about Hufu- roughly 8 or 9 years ago, which I also think is 7 a on the Richter Scale of fucked up mind earthquakes – that I’ve been thinking about it that long, not that someone made a fictitious thing.  

Anyway, it does slightly concern me that these chefs feel it closely meets what actual human flesh tastes like…How do they know?! The other disconcerting thought I have is, what if I get a taste for fake human and I really like it and the only place to get it is in London? I can see it now, someone asks me what I want for dinner and I can’t stop craving people burgers. Would it be funny if they named the meal after a person? I think so. Tonight’s special: Rack of Carrie with a béarnaise sauce, sautéed green beans and garlic mashed potatoes.

I’d still try it.  

Scratching an Itch with a Razor Blade

The title of this post is misleading, but maybe after reading this you may or may not feel a little itchy. The suspense!

A few weeks ago my roommate informed me a gigantic spider was loose somewhere in our house. She and I are very much disinterested in spiders…to panic attack levels. That same evening, I was leisurely hanging out in my room with the door open while roommate and her boyfriend were chatting, when out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of a giant spider and yelled out, “I FOUND IT!” They both came in to look, roommate says, “Oh, that’s not it. That’s not even close to the giant one.”

She must love seeing the horrified look on my face…

We had her boyfriend capture and release the “tiny” spider from the house- No harm came to it, but if it’s not going to pay rent, it can’t stay.

I’ve made friends with someone in the Army who is very much anti-killing spiders. He claims it bad karma. How are you going to argue with an American Hero?

This morning as I stepped into the shower, I turned around to see the biggest spider I have ever seen in my life struggling to crawl up the shower wall. I screamed bloody murder along with a long breath of expletives which then turned into a repeated series of “Oh no” as I tried to catch my breath and run for the hills. I was already running late this morning and now this hell beast is going to kill me. Scrambling out of the shower, I turned my back- I turned my back on it! What is wrong with me?  I put on my robe and opened the curtain again and the wicked monster was nowhere to be found. Ensue sheer terror and panic. You may think I’m exaggerating the size of this creature. It was too big to wash down the drain, even if its body had been crumpled up. Too big for the drain. No thank you. I took a breath and peeked over the tub to see it’s long nimbly legs poking up the side, trying to crawl its way out. I ran to the kitchen to find the biggest Tupperware I could find with a lid, and returned to the bathroom.

The spider graciously complied with crawling into the Tupperware, but became increasingly aggressive the moment I closed the lid. I put on my shoes, ran out of the house with container as far away from my body as possible, opened the lid and threw the hellion into the snobby neighbor’s yard.

Is karma smiling on me today? I dunno, I was late to my meeting and I left my headlights on. We’re off to a great start. Also, if that fucking spider decides to come wandering back down the stairs, I hope it goes to the other neighbors’ place as I can’t deal with that shit again. 

                                                    Fuck you.