Ode to the strange Metro sitter. With illustrations!

There are various types of metro riders, the quiet type (me) who keeps to themself with a book and occasionally headphones. The talkers, the weirdos, and the smelly ones just to name a few. 

As a quiet rider, I always find myself on my morning route to sit next to a window and consciously move my personal belongings out of the way in case someone would like the seat next to me. Oh look, here comes a fellow rider now! 

Feel free to make fun of the illustrations, I obviously didn't pursue my dreams of going to art school. 

Being a conscious rider, I like it when my fellow riders are also conscious and curteous. Now what happens next I can tell you has happened to me on more than one occasion and I have never been guilty of doing this. Maybe because I'm usually one of the first people on the bus in the morning, but I like to think I would never do this in any circumstance.

Notice how she turns and her ass becomes rather sizable. She may have been looking at her cellular telephone device, I'm not sure, as I was deeply immersed in my book (which was awesome! The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom), and didn't notice. 

The unthinkable happens: 

What the ever living hell?! How do you not notice there is a person sitting where you just half way/ass only popped my personal space bubble?! I was just reading a book, minding my business. I know I'm a curvy gal, but come on, I don't take up 2 bus seats of room. Your ass should be nowhere near my chin to stomach area. 

All of this results in this:

After this horrifying occurrence, the gal laughs and apologizes. And me being a quiet bus rider says, "It's cool." When I really want to ask her why she feels the need to sit that way. This is most certainly not cool but I really don't want to start a confrontation, I just want to get back I my book. As I stated earlier this is not the first time this has happened to me. It has been both men and women, and a diverse group at that. 

So what is a girl to do? Before you suggest that I'm being hit on, there is no further conversation so I don't think that's the case. Perhaps all of these folks think they have amazing backsides that they have to show it to the first person the come across? I'm not sure, but I don't like it one bit. 

It's Just Heartburn

I get really tired of my issues. All of this baggage that weighs me down gets fucking old. It's like the person you know who bitches all the time but refuses to find a solution to their problems...but what about those of us who are proactive in getting over the issues, but they just won't go away? It remains. Certain days aren't as prominent as others, but they're still there.

I read an article the other day on PTSD. It stated the obvious, there is no cure. I will never be the person I was before all of this. Shame, I really liked her. But here it is, all of the shit, still here. 

I don't want this story to define who I am, but at the same time, I don't know how to escape it. It is very much a part of me as is the hair on my head. I don't want to take pills, they made me feel worse. I don't know what needs to change or how to change it. I'm better than I was, but not where I want to be. 

Today sucks, and I have heartburn. 

Hate and Love, Love and Hate

Lennon was wrong. Love is not all you need, it's a great place to start, but it certainly doesn't make the end all be all. People love as much as they hate. I use the term 'hate' sparingly since if one is so absorbed in having such strong feelings about someone or something, there is still an allure to feel so strongly about it. But you're a smart bunch and know what I mean.

In the last 2 days (within 17 hours of each other) there were 2 separate fatal motorbike crashes nearby my hood. There were a few thoughts and prayers sent out to the riders and their families, but the outcry of traffic woes swallowed them up into oblivion. What the ever-loving fuck? Where's the compassion? Our priorities are so screwed up in this country.

Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a filibuster to prevent Obamacare from passing. Because affordable healthcare for every citizen in these United States is bad....really. There's no doubt that Mr. Cruz and the Tea Party are a bunch of assholes. A bunch of assholes who happen to have incredibly affordable healthcare.

Ugh I could go on, but the details of what I want to say are kinda mushed in this head of mine. In short, stop being jackals to each other and show a little more compassion. It's not a personal goal, it will benefit every single one of us in the long run.

Job Market or Bust

When I was in high school my guidance counselor would ask me every year what I wanted to do with my life. My answer was always the same, I wanted to be a drifter. Drifter's have the best stories, and if I were any good at the details in my story telling, I'd have amazing stories. I've definitely stayed true to my career choice of drifter.

There was never the desire to work at one place for 20+ years, although I do see some benefits of doing so, pension plans (if they're offered), blindingly hopeful job security, and whatever else you get for working at the same job for so long. It never appealed to me though, I'm antsy and want to experience as much as I can. If I only live once, why would I want to do one thing that I'd more than likely start to resent? I fully believe in our society's mind set that having a "career" is the same as finding your one true love and that's been proven to be total bullshit. Sorry hopeless romantics, I'm still a bit jaded and cynical on that subject.

My Amazon.com adventure has come to an end. I prefer not to speak ill of them, overall, they are a metrics based company when it comes to monitoring work quality. I was transferred to a department within a few months of being employed there. The work was great, it was developing a relatively new department and sanding rough edges to make it smoother for both our customers and our team. While Amazon tends to be focused on the customer, this department was focused more on the company reputation. Pretty sure there aren't a lot of opportunities there that let you tell the customer, "No." I thoroughly enjoyed what I was doing, I woke up happy to be a part of something I worked hard on and saw it come to fruition.

The downfall of it, that dept had no metrics. Your first and second year reviews are based on metrics and for  almost a full year, it looked as though I wasn't doing anything but holding down a chair and getting paid for it. Come review time I had nothing to show for busting my ass and was put on probation. I had 2 months to try and retrain myself how to work in a different dept (while still being involved with the non-metrics based one) and get to a particular level of metrics, I wasn't able to do so, therefore they broke ties.

Shit happens, I had my pity party last night and now I'm doing what I can to move forward. That's what my journey is all about. I can give myself a short period of time to emotionally react to a crappy event and then it's time to pull up my britches and get over it. Pity isn't going to solve my problems, but being proactive in what happens in my life will get me there.

Stay tuned, I'm about to drift on to the next adventure.

Rocked at its foundations

2 years ago today was my wedding day. It actually looks exactly as it did that day: rained in the morning and cleared up to be a beautiful day...

 After everything that's happened, learning how to make my life recognizable,becoming comfortable in my home, and finding some sort of familiarity with daily living, I can confidently say that I'm alright. It took a just over a year and it was hard there's no denying that or trying to hide from it. It nearly broke me and it felt as though there was no bouncing back from this one.

There's still residual stings from the memories and fighting my way to make it through what's been the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome. I'm not quite there yet, but comparatively, I've come a long way, baby. I'm not the same person I was, not that I'm better or worse, just changed. I don't think that's gone unnoticed, but to toot my own horn, I've done my damnedest and have done a pretty decent job from where I was to where I am now. Thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

I'm getting my fluer de lis tattoo next Friday (sorry for not mentioning it earlier Mama, at least it won't be on the tip of my nose as previously suggested.), it has a double meaning: A) my adoration for the city of New Orleans and B) I view my marriage as a destructive force like Katrina was to my 2nd favorite city. It's not going to be a pretty tattoo, it's going to look like it's been rocked at its foundations, been through hell, has some scrapes and bruises, but it's still here.

I'm still here.

Radar and robots. Beep bop boop beep.

If you fell off the radar, how long do you think it would take for someone to notice? How long before someone came to check on you?

I think it would take a couple days when someone would notice and actively do something. I could only imagine the texts I'd receive- varying between concern and anger.

Everyone has the fantasy to just pack up and disappear. It's been a shitty week and I've definitely been considering it, but there's too much here to keep me put. Reality tells me that running away doesn't solve my problems, but dammit, it'll let me escape them for a little bit.

I'd like to be somewhere warm with an umbrella drink, where the monotony and snatchiness of daily life can take a back seat.

Shitty weeks deserve steak dinners, lots of booze, and cuddles from a googly eyed dog. Saturday eve can't get here fast enough. Since it's Thursday, whatever beer in my fridge and frozen egg rolls will have to do.

Brutally honest, yet humbly humble.

Today is International Women's Day. Hug a woman you love today.

It's no secret, I'm not a feminist, I never have been. My guy friends think of me as 'one of the guys...with tits'. My gal pals seem to like the fact that I'm not overly girly, however, that's all speculation. But they pretty much know not to ask me to join them for a night in, watching Magic Mike.

By saying I'm not a feminist doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the good fight that my fore mothers' fought for me. I can vote and voice my opinion without fear of repercussion. I've honed the ability to articulate my voice, even when I feel that my writing style is less than par, I can carry on a good conversation. I love the women in my life, they are strong, brilliant, funny, amazing people and anyone should be honored to know them. I have no problem with anyone being a feminist unless of course they put others down in the name of feminism. That's so anticlimactic and too similar to those that spread hate in the name of God. Stop that! It makes you out to be a complete douchebag and we're all tired of hearing that crap all the time.

I've been asked before the following:

What makes you feel like a woman? 

Other than physical attributes and female nature, I have no freaking idea. I've chalked up the reasoning behind this to be that I consider myself to be a humanist, I am capable, or I am not capable, and I will be the first to tell you when I am incapable of something. I may have said this before, and if so, I apologize for the broken record. I view myself as a person, neither male nor female. I laugh when things are funny, I bleed when my flesh is cut, I go about my life not trying to blend in with the crowd (you can tell this by the color of my hair), and yet I do my best to stay out of the way. I have a pair of boots that make me feel taller and slimmer which I guess makes me feel more feminine, but overall, I don't know how to answer this question.

When people tell you you're beautiful, do you believe them?

I believe they believe that, and I am flattered. But me? No. Getouttahere. Please don't read this and think I'm vying for attention. I appreciate compliments like anyone, but I'm certainly not fishing for an ego boost.

Every single one of us has self image issues. I'm no different. I don't post photos of myself that are from the neck down. If there are any of me it's because someone else posted them. My tits are too big, hips too wide, stomach too round and my thighs are the size of tree trunks. What I lack in physical appearance confidence, I make up for with humor and wit, and for the most part, I don't want to talk about my physique.

On that note, whoever made Spanx, and whoever claimed they do a good job of tucking and holding everything in place: You are a liar. They are uncomfortable, it takes so much longer to pee, and they do a fantastic job of rounding me out more making me look pregnant. Fuck you and your Spanx.


I am one of those people who fully believe in the "Shit or get off the pot" mantra. I don't complain for the sake of complaining. I prefer a solution, especially when I can control the outcome. I don't expect my path to be an easy one and I don't want handouts to get me to where I need to be (Although, I do admit I day dream when I'm waiting for a bus and it's raining that someone would take enough pity on me to take me to my destination...that would never happen and I'm too leery of people to trust a stranger to actually take me to my destination. With my luck, I'd end up somewhere in the back area of public park with my throat slit.). I have the ability, plenty of resources and time to achieve a healthier me...I couldn't even make it through that sentence without laughing. Yeah I have all of those things, but come on! I asked the pet adoption agency for a lazy dog to match my lifestyle. I can't even begin to tell you that I'm making it up. It's so much the truth, it's God.

Of course when I was a young pup, 19 or so, I was thin. Grossly thin. Looking at photos, I think I looked like I was starving, while I was told how great I looked. I remember that girl had self image issues then, just as she does now. Yeah, age happens but so did my love for carbs and heavy beers. Now, I'd rather cut off my arm than give up good beer. I don't apologize for that. Maybe I should get a bird and put it right next to the fridge? I would never go in the kitchen ever again. Who am I kidding? If I had a bird in my house, I would no longer live there.

Our culture is getting to a point of advocating against bullying/fat shaming and pro-self image and all of the positive things. There are articles, non-profits, memes, videos and blah, blah, blah that are inspiring, and powerful and make you feel like the human race has a chance and we shouldn't give up because not everyone is a thin, bullying, beautiful only on the outside, kind of person. Rather, there is a common thought that we have more in common than we could have imagined...or is that until you get away from your computer?

Do you see the odd/awkward person in public who isn't wearing the right clothes, who's a few pounds over weight and having what would be considered unhealthy lunch, and secretly thinking to yourself, "Oh, that's a shame. S/he should really make better life decisions."? Are you sometimes not so quiet with your reaction? I do it too. Sometimes I smile or laugh, sometimes I feel empathy, sometimes I'm so incredibly judgey even though I have absolutely no right to be. "I'm only human" is a cop out excuse for it, yet, it is our nature to make comparisons. Fat people already know that you're staring and making whatever judgement about the clothes, the food, the overall appearance. We would kindly like to remind you, that you can go fuck yourself. Thankyouverymuch.