A man in Florida ate another man's face. **Ate his face** I can honestly say, my troubles do not come remotely close to that.
The weekend of June 8-10 I'll be heading to Portland for the Portland Fruit Beer Festival and to see some of my favorite people that walk this earth. I'm also looking forward to having a 3 day weekend before I have to get back into my wonky schedule of Tuesday-Saturdays.
September (dates TBD) I'm headed to New Orleans with my closest gals for a week chalked full of good food, music, people and for all of us to take a break from our daily grinds and whatever heartaches we're going through. Alright, so I'm the only one going through the heartache, but god love my girls for sticking with me.
After that, we'll see. I have a lot of time on my hands now, and oddly enough, more money. Of course I immensely enjoy more time and money, but I think if I could trade it in for what was, I would. However, what was will never be again. I am not the biggest dreamer. I don't live on hopes and wishes alone. I am a realist so for now, I get time and money. This isn't to say that I'm well off now by any means, but there are more opportunities for me to do/see/experience things I've always wanted to.
I still have the pain and anger to work through of all of this crap. I was dealt a shitty hand yet, instead of burying my head in the sand or refusing to deal with it at all, I am taking it on head first. Small signs of acceptance and indifference are starting to make their appearances which I appreciate. They aren't quite here, but they're well on their way. I have nothing more to say to him, I've said all I needed to. He's trying to place blame on me now for things and he knows is grasping at straws. He knows who I am, I talk. If I talk in a blog, well, it's up to the reader to read. He believes it will be awkward to see his friends because they know what's going on...but it would not be awkward since he cut everyone out of his life? Right. He also knows he has no one to blame but himself, it's just easier to allow pride to get in the way and point fingers at other people for your mistakes. He's still trying to take the easy way out, that's just not commendable.
It might have been different should he have shown remorse or had been willing to give her up. But he's not remorseful and she's still around...like mold. Can't get the bitch to leave well enough alone no matter how much bleach you pour on her. Whatever, the more home wreckers meet each other and start a relationship together, means good things for those of us that believe in monogamy. It seems there are so few of us left these days.
A thought crossed my mind today that rattled me, "I am getting a divorce. I, Samantha Newlands, who doesn't believe in divorce, is getting one." This whole situation just makes me sad. You think you know someone better than you know yourself, and they turn around and surprise the hell out of you.
I'm a busy woman with no time for games or bullshit. I know what I want out of life and if the people I meet throughout my journey are about the games, I'm not interested. I might not have everything figured out, but I am aware of the goals I've set for myself. I want to be surrounded by people who are like-minded but still know how to enjoy the punches life throws.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Mid Year Resolutions
I've discovered recently even numbered years and I do not get along. The odd numbered years are always better and maybe it's coincidence, the yin and yang balance of everything, but I would like a little more variety. Let's mix it up a bit. I had been looking forward to turning 30, as I had heard as long as I can remember, 30 is the best. Well, actually, 30 can suck it. 29 was a fantastic year, but that is gone, as is a lot of what made it such a great year, so I am eager to see what 31 is going to do for me. It has to be better than this right?
Can we have New Years resolutions a few months after the new year starts? 5-6 months seems to be a more adequate time to make resolutions. We're 1/2 way there, or close enough to half way that reevaluating your original resolutions might be in order.
So you find yourself to be a 30 year old woman who thought you had the world in the palm of your hand, perfect man, great job, travel possibilities, a new place to live, benefits, good pay, and the potential of maybe starting a family. Then the rug is taken from under your feet. I'm still 30, still have a great job, and travel is always a possibility. But my perfect man is now a stranger, the new place doesn't feel like home- since it's right up the street from where we got married so even if he or his things aren't there, he is always there! I can't get rid of him. Plus the thoughts of starting a family have fizzled and gone out. I was never fully comfortable with the thought of having a kid, but somehow it didn't seem so scary with him in the picture. I think a lot of the time he was telling himself how he wanted to feel which came off to me as how he actually felt. The pain of all of this is still fresh, even though I've been sorting through it for 5 fucking months now, it just now finally feels...final.
What's the redefined resolution? Does it need to be filtered a few times because at the moment I feel hurt, petty, distrusting, and bitter? After all, a resolution should be a positive change or challenge, not negative. I've been reading a lot about forgiveness lately. At the moment it is just not a possibility, though, it hasn't been completely written off. I know I will forgive him, but right now my wounds are still too new and I still haven't wrapped my head completely around this.
Infidelity, lies, running scared and then making me out to be the bad guy. I know his intent is to not make me feel like I'm at fault for anything and I still don't blame myself, but there was a moment where he came at me because of the actions of someone else. Like I have control over anyone. If I could have peeked in his head to see what was going on, maybe I could have helped. Life doesn't work that way, however. Even thinking that is false. He was not willing to bend or work with me at all. He shut himself off and did everything he could to make me just go away. So seeing into his mind would have only made this come to an end a lot sooner. Maybe he wouldn't have cheated, who knows- Why waste my time thinking about it?
Part of the healing process for me is over analyzing absolutely everything. I know I did everything I could, I was a good wife to him. I am still a good person and I have a lot of life, love and light to give. Trying to convince myself I'll be alright is the hardest part for me since I don't fully believe it yet. The repetition of saying that 3 word phrase, "I'll be OK", to friends and family might make it sink in. Hopefully I'll just wake up one day soon and it will all be over for me. No more pain, no regrets. It hasn't sunk in yet and I certainly don't feel alright. There is a hole in my life that someone put there.
It is well known that I am a giving and tolerant person. I consider it both a gift and a curse. A gift because my friendships are true and I'll keep ya around for a really, really long time. A curse because people who I meet see that and take advantage of it, even when I think I know them better to treat me poorly, it happens. Therefore the new resolution is that I am going to be more guarded. This heart now has sharp pointy knives protecting it and it will take someone really special to get them away.
That's where I am today. Not good, not as bad as yesterday. Shit, I got out of bed today which is a significant improvement from yesterday. Baby steps, ya'll. That's what I'm working on.
Can we have New Years resolutions a few months after the new year starts? 5-6 months seems to be a more adequate time to make resolutions. We're 1/2 way there, or close enough to half way that reevaluating your original resolutions might be in order.
So you find yourself to be a 30 year old woman who thought you had the world in the palm of your hand, perfect man, great job, travel possibilities, a new place to live, benefits, good pay, and the potential of maybe starting a family. Then the rug is taken from under your feet. I'm still 30, still have a great job, and travel is always a possibility. But my perfect man is now a stranger, the new place doesn't feel like home- since it's right up the street from where we got married so even if he or his things aren't there, he is always there! I can't get rid of him. Plus the thoughts of starting a family have fizzled and gone out. I was never fully comfortable with the thought of having a kid, but somehow it didn't seem so scary with him in the picture. I think a lot of the time he was telling himself how he wanted to feel which came off to me as how he actually felt. The pain of all of this is still fresh, even though I've been sorting through it for 5 fucking months now, it just now finally feels...final.
What's the redefined resolution? Does it need to be filtered a few times because at the moment I feel hurt, petty, distrusting, and bitter? After all, a resolution should be a positive change or challenge, not negative. I've been reading a lot about forgiveness lately. At the moment it is just not a possibility, though, it hasn't been completely written off. I know I will forgive him, but right now my wounds are still too new and I still haven't wrapped my head completely around this.
Infidelity, lies, running scared and then making me out to be the bad guy. I know his intent is to not make me feel like I'm at fault for anything and I still don't blame myself, but there was a moment where he came at me because of the actions of someone else. Like I have control over anyone. If I could have peeked in his head to see what was going on, maybe I could have helped. Life doesn't work that way, however. Even thinking that is false. He was not willing to bend or work with me at all. He shut himself off and did everything he could to make me just go away. So seeing into his mind would have only made this come to an end a lot sooner. Maybe he wouldn't have cheated, who knows- Why waste my time thinking about it?
Part of the healing process for me is over analyzing absolutely everything. I know I did everything I could, I was a good wife to him. I am still a good person and I have a lot of life, love and light to give. Trying to convince myself I'll be alright is the hardest part for me since I don't fully believe it yet. The repetition of saying that 3 word phrase, "I'll be OK", to friends and family might make it sink in. Hopefully I'll just wake up one day soon and it will all be over for me. No more pain, no regrets. It hasn't sunk in yet and I certainly don't feel alright. There is a hole in my life that someone put there.
It is well known that I am a giving and tolerant person. I consider it both a gift and a curse. A gift because my friendships are true and I'll keep ya around for a really, really long time. A curse because people who I meet see that and take advantage of it, even when I think I know them better to treat me poorly, it happens. Therefore the new resolution is that I am going to be more guarded. This heart now has sharp pointy knives protecting it and it will take someone really special to get them away.
That's where I am today. Not good, not as bad as yesterday. Shit, I got out of bed today which is a significant improvement from yesterday. Baby steps, ya'll. That's what I'm working on.
Friday, May 18, 2012
To thine own self be true...right?
I'm obviously not good at keeping up with this blogging stuff. I have moments of needing to write and moments of thoughts being too jumbled. These past few days/weeks have been really scrambled. I've needed time to process what's going on in my life.
He came over on Sunday with the intention of talking divorce. I let him know I didn't want one due to the emotional hoopla I was going through, that I needed time to be certain of what actions to take. This took him by surprise as he had mentally prepared himself for it, thinking it was what I wanted all along.
I don't want any of this. Obviously, at the moment, I'm not going to get exactly what I want, but I am doing a fairly good job of keeping things as 'normal' as possible. I haven't completely acclimated to my new life, and I'm not yet comfortable in it. However, I've had an outpouring of love and support from my nearest and dearest. I don't know where I would be without them.
The conversation was so split down the middle, very emotional for both of us and at the same time, we had fun together, like nothing was amiss. This left us both confused as to what to do. I won't go into detail of all that was said for numerous reasons, A)it is private, B) I am still processing all of this information, and C) Too many friends and family have access to read this. I'm not ashamed of anything and I would never put anything into the world wide web if I couldn't say it to your face. Regardless, I'm not quite certain how to move on or what the next step is. Day by day.
We did agree that divorce is off the table for now. We are staying separated and I am still maintaining my life the best I know how to. There is still a lot of love, there has been better communication, and there is a lot to sort out.
It was pointed out to me that the worst of it is pretty much over, all of the hard to hear parts have been said and now it's up to me on how I want to proceed.
OK, so how do I proceed? He told me Sunday that I'm the best/the greatest. So why leave the best for couch surfing and plastic emotions? Again, this doesn't make any sense to me. I've been lonely more so recently than since this all started. Seeing him and knowing there are still strong feelings on both sides. It was easy to convince himself those feelings dissipated but upon seeing me, they came flooding back.
Had dinner with some friends the other day and this topic came up. My dear friends are supportive and don't want me to get hurt anymore, I understand that and love them for it. I explained to them, "This is my life, and my life is worth fighting for."
I ran into his workplace on Wednesday, he was surprised to see me there. The air became heavy, as if my presence there was too unpredictable...like I'd throw a chair out the windows or something. I smiled when I saw him, handed him some mail that came to the house for him and we made plans to get together again this weekend, a hug, a kiss and I was on my merry way. I changed the quality of the air by walking in, and changed it again just by being calm and relaxed while being there. Later that night I drove by, he was outside, I honked, waved and continued home without stopping. It felt oddly liberating.
It's difficult to live in the same neighborhood he works and couch surfs in. So close and so very far.
He came over on Sunday with the intention of talking divorce. I let him know I didn't want one due to the emotional hoopla I was going through, that I needed time to be certain of what actions to take. This took him by surprise as he had mentally prepared himself for it, thinking it was what I wanted all along.
I don't want any of this. Obviously, at the moment, I'm not going to get exactly what I want, but I am doing a fairly good job of keeping things as 'normal' as possible. I haven't completely acclimated to my new life, and I'm not yet comfortable in it. However, I've had an outpouring of love and support from my nearest and dearest. I don't know where I would be without them.
The conversation was so split down the middle, very emotional for both of us and at the same time, we had fun together, like nothing was amiss. This left us both confused as to what to do. I won't go into detail of all that was said for numerous reasons, A)it is private, B) I am still processing all of this information, and C) Too many friends and family have access to read this. I'm not ashamed of anything and I would never put anything into the world wide web if I couldn't say it to your face. Regardless, I'm not quite certain how to move on or what the next step is. Day by day.
We did agree that divorce is off the table for now. We are staying separated and I am still maintaining my life the best I know how to. There is still a lot of love, there has been better communication, and there is a lot to sort out.
It was pointed out to me that the worst of it is pretty much over, all of the hard to hear parts have been said and now it's up to me on how I want to proceed.
OK, so how do I proceed? He told me Sunday that I'm the best/the greatest. So why leave the best for couch surfing and plastic emotions? Again, this doesn't make any sense to me. I've been lonely more so recently than since this all started. Seeing him and knowing there are still strong feelings on both sides. It was easy to convince himself those feelings dissipated but upon seeing me, they came flooding back.
Had dinner with some friends the other day and this topic came up. My dear friends are supportive and don't want me to get hurt anymore, I understand that and love them for it. I explained to them, "This is my life, and my life is worth fighting for."
I ran into his workplace on Wednesday, he was surprised to see me there. The air became heavy, as if my presence there was too unpredictable...like I'd throw a chair out the windows or something. I smiled when I saw him, handed him some mail that came to the house for him and we made plans to get together again this weekend, a hug, a kiss and I was on my merry way. I changed the quality of the air by walking in, and changed it again just by being calm and relaxed while being there. Later that night I drove by, he was outside, I honked, waved and continued home without stopping. It felt oddly liberating.
It's difficult to live in the same neighborhood he works and couch surfs in. So close and so very far.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Day 1
My old blog was deleted when I deleted my last email address, so I'm starting fresh. There are a lot of things I'm reflecting on that need a fresh start.
Small recap:
September 24, 2010- He proposed
October 27, 2010- My Dad died
April 30, 2011-We were married on a beautiful day in Seattle.
November 2011-I started a new job with Amazon.com
January 2012-I turned 30 and paid off my car
February 2012-We moved to a bigger apartment in West Seattle and talked about starting a family.
Shit.Hit.The.Fan.
Fast forward to present day. Today is May 3, 2012.
My best friend, love of my life...my person and I are separated. For reasons still unbeknownst to me, at least from his end- I think he became scared and just took off. I asked him to move his things out and he did without much fuss or fight. I simply couldn't handle the back and forth, the stress of never knowing if he was coming home and never knowing where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. He ended up stopping all forms of communication with me.
I know he sought comfort, not necessarily in the arms of another (that I know of), but definitely emotionally. While I stood by and kept asking him to come back to me, that I would always be that person for him. I wasn't good enough or at least I wasn't the one he wanted. I became a chore, the relationship became actual work. We stopped enjoying each others company and started fighting all the time. We tried counseling, after about 4 visits, he decided he didn't want to go anymore. And then he quit on me all together.
Our anniversary just passed and he went to California, while I stayed home, letting the realization creep in that this isn't going to work. I've never blamed myself and from what he has repeatedly told me, I was never at fault for anything. He simply quit and left me behind while he tries to figure out what it is he wants out of life.
I have friends and family who have stood by me through all of this. By all means I understand they are trying to be supportive, but it's coming off like barking orders at me of what I should do as opposed to letting me breathe and sort my turned-upside-down life into something recognizable. People don't seem to realize that it's not a switch I can turn on or off to cast my feelings for such a huge part of my life aside. I don't expect them to understand. This isn't just a hard breakup...this was someone who promised me his life while I promised him mine.
It is so easy to say I'm going to file for divorce. But as soon as I started going through the paperwork, I could not bring myself to do it. I became a blubbering mess. It made me wish there was a switch I could turn off in order to remove my emotions from all of this, but it's impossible. I've always considered myself to be a logical thinker and in order for me to understand, it has to make sense. None of this makes sense. I gave all that I had, loved unconditionally and raised him up when he was down. He used to do the same for me, and by doing so made me want to be a better person.
This person now, that is not my husband, not my friend. He is a stranger in my husband's body and I am not fond of this guy. I want him to go away and give me my sweet man back. I don't think my husband is ever coming home again.
I've come to the conclusion that instead of jumping straight to divorce, I'm going to take some time for myself at this point. Relaxing is key right now and it's time for me to become comfortable in my home, in my skin and in this new life. Trying to make such a definitive decision when everything is so emotional can cause mistakes and regret. I need to know that I am of clear mind, body and soul before I do anything. This is my decision and it is final until further notice.
Small recap:
September 24, 2010- He proposed
October 27, 2010- My Dad died
April 30, 2011-We were married on a beautiful day in Seattle.
November 2011-I started a new job with Amazon.com
January 2012-I turned 30 and paid off my car
February 2012-We moved to a bigger apartment in West Seattle and talked about starting a family.
Shit.Hit.The.Fan.
Fast forward to present day. Today is May 3, 2012.
My best friend, love of my life...my person and I are separated. For reasons still unbeknownst to me, at least from his end- I think he became scared and just took off. I asked him to move his things out and he did without much fuss or fight. I simply couldn't handle the back and forth, the stress of never knowing if he was coming home and never knowing where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. He ended up stopping all forms of communication with me.
I know he sought comfort, not necessarily in the arms of another (that I know of), but definitely emotionally. While I stood by and kept asking him to come back to me, that I would always be that person for him. I wasn't good enough or at least I wasn't the one he wanted. I became a chore, the relationship became actual work. We stopped enjoying each others company and started fighting all the time. We tried counseling, after about 4 visits, he decided he didn't want to go anymore. And then he quit on me all together.
Our anniversary just passed and he went to California, while I stayed home, letting the realization creep in that this isn't going to work. I've never blamed myself and from what he has repeatedly told me, I was never at fault for anything. He simply quit and left me behind while he tries to figure out what it is he wants out of life.
I have friends and family who have stood by me through all of this. By all means I understand they are trying to be supportive, but it's coming off like barking orders at me of what I should do as opposed to letting me breathe and sort my turned-upside-down life into something recognizable. People don't seem to realize that it's not a switch I can turn on or off to cast my feelings for such a huge part of my life aside. I don't expect them to understand. This isn't just a hard breakup...this was someone who promised me his life while I promised him mine.
It is so easy to say I'm going to file for divorce. But as soon as I started going through the paperwork, I could not bring myself to do it. I became a blubbering mess. It made me wish there was a switch I could turn off in order to remove my emotions from all of this, but it's impossible. I've always considered myself to be a logical thinker and in order for me to understand, it has to make sense. None of this makes sense. I gave all that I had, loved unconditionally and raised him up when he was down. He used to do the same for me, and by doing so made me want to be a better person.
This person now, that is not my husband, not my friend. He is a stranger in my husband's body and I am not fond of this guy. I want him to go away and give me my sweet man back. I don't think my husband is ever coming home again.
I've come to the conclusion that instead of jumping straight to divorce, I'm going to take some time for myself at this point. Relaxing is key right now and it's time for me to become comfortable in my home, in my skin and in this new life. Trying to make such a definitive decision when everything is so emotional can cause mistakes and regret. I need to know that I am of clear mind, body and soul before I do anything. This is my decision and it is final until further notice.
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