Take the Narration Back

I ruminate too much, thinking about all possibilities and essentially driving myself crazy. My head spins and I can't turn it off. The narrative has changed and the voice needs to come back to the original owner. Taking back the narrative feels like playing chess. I need to be methodical, calculate the move I want to make, and look ahead at my opponent's potential moves. That alone makes me exceptionally tired.

A reminder of what my life was like when I focused solely on work and what it meant for my career, vs. deciding to actively have a life outside of work and how that somehow changed certain perceptions of me professionally. My work ethic hasn't changed, the demand for change is what caused the problem. I demand accountability, I demand equal pay and respect in my position for the work that I do. Am I being perceived as an irritating, irrational woman in a male dominated industry, who should just be happy that they allow me to be there at all? Do you really think I have time for that kind of bullshit, or I have ever given the impression that I would play that sort of game? This is my livelihood! I take so many things lightly, but I do not fuck around when it comes to my job or how I take care of myself. This story is mine, and I'll be damned if someone gets to make decision for me that would effect my livelihood. 

What's it going to take for these people to take me seriously? My boss alone has no problem telling me that I'm not needed in our department. While every other dept seems to know the value of the work that I do. Granted my boss has also mentioned numerous times he doesn't know what I do, regardless of how many times I've informed him of my job duties. He will say though, rather emphatically, that I do a great job!

...Wait, the job in which you aren't aware that I perform? The one that doesn't need to be compensated? The same job that has been mentioned numerous times that I am expendable from? Fuck you. 

And yet, here I am. Still here. Amidst the frustrations and obvious sexism, the underlining truth is I love this industry. Let them try to push me away, I'm good at what I do and I take pride in my work. Never have I been the woman to give up on something I love because it got too hard. I can stand with my head up and push on. They can say what they will to try and dissuade me, but I'm stronger than they realize. I've earned my spot here and I refuse to let them knock me down.  

  

Remember, Remember...

It's been a long time since I've written anything. This therapeutic blog to help me realize and accept feelings and emotions has been put to the side for a long time. Because, let's be honest, fuck feelings.

I'm having a pity party today, you're welcome to join or stay away. Choice is yours.

My rent went up by 22% - I'm sticking it out until I find something I want to buy. Still, 22% hurts.

The man I was dating for 6ish months was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery to remove tumors from his stomach. While he was going through that, he would become afraid that we were getting too close and would disappear. I forgave him for that, I saw how genuinely scared he was, I was patient. After his surgery, he was told it was a misdiagnosis and the tumors were benign-hooray! Things got better between us for a short amount of time and then he told me essentially that since he was better, he didn't need/want me around. I haven't spoken with him since, not that I want to. It's not worth the salt.

I applied for a job at work and was told the cards would be stacked in my favor to get. Months went by with hints that it was mine and I would get excited, but kept my mouth shut. I found out yesterday that the job was given to someone else who didn't apply for it.

That's how life is going right now.

Also, I'm really ready for this goddamned election to be over.

Well. Shit.

       I'm getting a roommate. Begrudgingly getting a roommate. I've been on my own for a long time, and this city is getting ridiculously expensive to be a lone wolf no matter how much I'd like to continue on being one.
In retrospect, the positives that could be taken away from getting a roommate are: I'll be able to save some cash and actually utilize my savings account. Travelling would be more feasible, a potential new friend to kick it with, and occasional pet sitter...that is if I play my cards right.
       What I'm giving up: a portion of my independence, and my sanctuary- the library. This is the heartbreaking part, the part that makes me not want to do this at all. I still don't wanna. I can tell myself it'll be better, but I'm still feeling bitter that I wasn't able to do it on my own.
       However, I need to think about the grander picture of what it is I need in my life to make it richer and fuller. I can make this work. I need to make this work. Therefore I need to let go of the the negatives and focus on the possibilities that this change can bring.
       
       Next week will be my 2 year anniversary at work. It's been incredibly challenging and I don't see that ending, yet I appreciate a good challenge. Over the past year I've put essentially everything else on hold to hit the ground running, putting the majority of my time and efforts into my job. I have good days, and the bad can be really bad, but I keep at it - damning the nay-sayers as I go. Tenacity and pushing back are a couple of traits I carry around, whether you look at that as an adverse quality is up to you. It's how I am- and as we know, well behaved women rarely make history, I'm in the frame of mind of making and forming my own history.

       Dating is still stupid.

And there you have it. Update complete.