What a freaking mess

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah


I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and I've been diagnosed with severe depression (duh) and post traumatic stress disorder. It stems from my father's death and I can't seem to get past it. I thought I was doing respectfully well with that, funny how things rear their ugly heads in times of crippling depression. The loss of my Love and the loss of my Friend tipped the scales for me and sent me into an incredibly dark place.

During the appointment, I had some blood work done and the nurse made a comment about when I get married and have kids of my own...I stopped listening to her to shut her out in order not to cry or lash out at a woman who had no idea of what I was going through. 

 I talked with my soon to be ex-husband the other day. He agreed to pay for the divorce since he's the one that broke our marriage. He also tried to tell me that he still cares, but really, he could fill a bucket full of the shits he doesn't give (I got that analogy from a friend).The only shit his gives and has proven time and time again is for himself. I am not here to satisfy other people's self gratification, and if anyone comes to me with those intentions in mind, well, they can fuck right off. Lesson learned, and learned the hardest way imaginable. It's funny to think that I still had trace amounts of hope left in me that he would pull his head out and stop this charade of pretending everything is fine with him and he'd come back. I do not love him or want anything to do with him anymore. I am sorry it came to this, but I've been pushed too far.

My emotions are fully out on my sleeve and can send me into a tailspin at any given moment. This causes me to feel incredibly weak. To the point of being completely pathetic. Almost all of last week, I worked from home because I couldn't bear to be out in public. It took me a long time today, but I finally made it into the office this morning (only 2 hours late...). I'm lucky to work for a company that isn't hellbent about showing up on time. As long as you show up or log in and put in your time, you're golden.


I hate Father's Day. Hate it. I haven't always been one to conceal my true feelings about anything and can comprehend how difficult that can be for certain people in my life- particularly my Mom. She sent me a Father's Day card with a list of 10 things she remembers of instances between my Dad and me. She did the same for my Brother. Her intent was 'food for thought'. She asked that I come up with some things to add to the list for myself. I only gave her a few things, but I could write a book with what a great influence he had in my life. With all of the crap I'm going through right now, I wish he was here more than ever. He was my biggest confidant, we had ourselves wrapped around each others fingers and he was such a force in my life, that I just feel empty without him here. 

My family is amazing and even though we're a bunch of lemons, I wouldn't trade them for any other family. My Mother is by far my biggest inspiration and hero. She has faced some of the hardest things in life that if the tables had been turned and it was me facing them, I'd probably be in a looney bin somewhere. She is incredibly strong, I admire her greatly. I hope that I can gain some of the strength she has from this.

Then there's my Brother, always the funny cynic who has never been afraid to tell me to buck up or be completely supportive of me. I am blessed that he and I are friends as well as family. It's good to know I can rely on him for a swift kick or a shoulder when desperately needed. Plus the guy was handed a shitty hand in regards to his health, but he's come through. He's 10 feet tall and bullet proof.

The support system I have is so impressive and I like my job very much, which is a nice change from hating every job prior to Amazon. So I have those things going for me. Yet, there is a huge hole in my life which makes me feel like the positives don't outweigh the negatives at the moment.

I'll set your wondering minds at ease. I might be in a dark place now, but I will never consider or cause self harm. This is the lowest point of my life, and even though I feel completely broken, I am determined to make myself better. For now, I've accepted the fact that I'm a touch crazy.