The title of this post is misleading, but maybe after
reading this you may or may not feel a little itchy. The suspense!
A few weeks ago my roommate informed me a gigantic spider
was loose somewhere in our house. She and I are very much disinterested in
spiders…to panic attack levels. That same evening, I was leisurely hanging out
in my room with the door open while roommate and her boyfriend were chatting,
when out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of a giant spider and yelled
out, “I FOUND IT!” They both came in to look, roommate says, “Oh, that’s not
it. That’s not even close to the giant one.”
She must love seeing the horrified look on my face…
We had her boyfriend capture and release the “tiny” spider
from the house- No harm came to it, but if it’s not going to pay rent, it can’t
stay.
I’ve made friends with someone in the Army who is very much
anti-killing spiders. He claims it bad karma. How are you going to argue with
an American Hero?
This morning as I stepped into the shower, I turned around
to see the biggest spider I have ever seen in my life struggling to crawl up
the shower wall. I screamed bloody murder along with a long breath of expletives
which then turned into a repeated series of “Oh no” as I tried to catch my
breath and run for the hills. I was already running late this morning and now
this hell beast is going to kill me. Scrambling out of the shower, I turned my
back- I turned my back on it! What is wrong with me? I put on my robe and opened the curtain again
and the wicked monster was nowhere to be found. Ensue sheer terror and panic.
You may think I’m exaggerating the size of this creature. It was too big to wash
down the drain, even if its body had been crumpled up. Too big for the drain.
No thank you. I took a breath and peeked over the tub to see it’s long nimbly
legs poking up the side, trying to crawl its way out. I ran to the kitchen to
find the biggest Tupperware I could find with a lid, and returned to the bathroom.
The spider graciously complied with crawling into the Tupperware,
but became increasingly aggressive the moment I closed the lid. I put on my
shoes, ran out of the house with container as far away from my body as possible,
opened the lid and threw the hellion into the snobby neighbor’s yard.
Is karma smiling on me today? I dunno, I was late to my
meeting and I left my headlights on. We’re off to a great start. Also, if that
fucking spider decides to come wandering back down the stairs, I hope it goes
to the other neighbors’ place as I can’t deal with that shit again.
Fuck you.
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