I'm obviously not good at keeping up with this blogging stuff. I have moments of needing to write and moments of thoughts being too jumbled. These past few days/weeks have been really scrambled. I've needed time to process what's going on in my life.
He came over on Sunday with the intention of talking divorce. I let him know I didn't want one due to the emotional hoopla I was going through, that I needed time to be certain of what actions to take. This took him by surprise as he had mentally prepared himself for it, thinking it was what I wanted all along.
I don't want any of this. Obviously, at the moment, I'm not going to get exactly what I want, but I am doing a fairly good job of keeping things as 'normal' as possible. I haven't completely acclimated to my new life, and I'm not yet comfortable in it. However, I've had an outpouring of love and support from my nearest and dearest. I don't know where I would be without them.
The conversation was so split down the middle, very emotional for both of us and at the same time, we had fun together, like nothing was amiss. This left us both confused as to what to do. I won't go into detail of all that was said for numerous reasons, A)it is private, B) I am still processing all of this information, and C) Too many friends and family have access to read this. I'm not ashamed of anything and I would never put anything into the world wide web if I couldn't say it to your face. Regardless, I'm not quite certain how to move on or what the next step is. Day by day.
We did agree that divorce is off the table for now. We are staying separated and I am still maintaining my life the best I know how to. There is still a lot of love, there has been better communication, and there is a lot to sort out.
It was pointed out to me that the worst of it is pretty much over, all of the hard to hear parts have been said and now it's up to me on how I want to proceed.
OK, so how do I proceed? He told me Sunday that I'm the best/the greatest. So why leave the best for couch surfing and plastic emotions? Again, this doesn't make any sense to me. I've been lonely more so recently than since this all started. Seeing him and knowing there are still strong feelings on both sides. It was easy to convince himself those feelings dissipated but upon seeing me, they came flooding back.
Had dinner with some friends the other day and this topic came up. My dear friends are supportive and don't want me to get hurt anymore, I understand that and love them for it. I explained to them, "This is my life, and my life is worth fighting for."
I ran into his workplace on Wednesday, he was surprised to see me there. The air became heavy, as if my presence there was too unpredictable...like I'd throw a chair out the windows or something. I smiled when I saw him, handed him some mail that came to the house for him and we made plans to get together again this weekend, a hug, a kiss and I was on my merry way. I changed the quality of the air by walking in, and changed it again just by being calm and relaxed while being there. Later that night I drove by, he was outside, I honked, waved and continued home without stopping. It felt oddly liberating.
It's difficult to live in the same neighborhood he works and couch surfs in. So close and so very far.
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