I've discovered recently even numbered years and I do not get along. The odd numbered years are always better and maybe it's coincidence, the yin and yang balance of everything, but I would like a little more variety. Let's mix it up a bit. I had been looking forward to turning 30, as I had heard as long as I can remember, 30 is the best. Well, actually, 30 can suck it. 29 was a fantastic year, but that is gone, as is a lot of what made it such a great year, so I am eager to see what 31 is going to do for me. It has to be better than this right?
Can we have New Years resolutions a few months after the new year starts? 5-6 months seems to be a more adequate time to make resolutions. We're 1/2 way there, or close enough to half way that reevaluating your original resolutions might be in order.
So you find yourself to be a 30 year old woman who thought you had the world in the palm of your hand, perfect man, great job, travel possibilities, a new place to live, benefits, good pay, and the potential of maybe starting a family. Then the rug is taken from under your feet. I'm still 30, still have a great job, and travel is always a possibility. But my perfect man is now a stranger, the new place doesn't feel like home- since it's right up the street from where we got married so even if he or his things aren't there, he is always there! I can't get rid of him. Plus the thoughts of starting a family have fizzled and gone out. I was never fully comfortable with the thought of having a kid, but somehow it didn't seem so scary with him in the picture. I think a lot of the time he was telling himself how he wanted to feel which came off to me as how he actually felt. The pain of all of this is still fresh, even though I've been sorting through it for 5 fucking months now, it just now finally feels...final.
What's the redefined resolution? Does it need to be filtered a few times because at the moment I feel hurt, petty, distrusting, and bitter? After all, a resolution should be a positive change or challenge, not negative. I've been reading a lot about forgiveness lately. At the moment it is just not a possibility, though, it hasn't been completely written off. I know I will forgive him, but right now my wounds are still too new and I still haven't wrapped my head completely around this.
Infidelity, lies, running scared and then making me out to be the bad guy. I know his intent is to not make me feel like I'm at fault for anything and I still don't blame myself, but there was a moment where he came at me because of the actions of someone else. Like I have control over anyone. If I could have peeked in his head to see what was going on, maybe I could have helped. Life doesn't work that way, however. Even thinking that is false. He was not willing to bend or work with me at all. He shut himself off and did everything he could to make me just go away. So seeing into his mind would have only made this come to an end a lot sooner. Maybe he wouldn't have cheated, who knows- Why waste my time thinking about it?
Part of the healing process for me is over analyzing absolutely everything. I know I did everything I could, I was a good wife to him. I am still a good person and I have a lot of life, love and light to give. Trying to convince myself I'll be alright is the hardest part for me since I don't fully believe it yet. The repetition of saying that 3 word phrase, "I'll be OK", to friends and family might make it sink in. Hopefully I'll just wake up one day soon and it will all be over for me. No more pain, no regrets. It hasn't sunk in yet and I certainly don't feel alright. There is a hole in my life that someone put there.
It is well known that I am a giving and tolerant person. I consider it both a gift and a curse. A gift because my friendships are true and I'll keep ya around for a really, really long time. A curse because people who I meet see that and take advantage of it, even when I think I know them better to treat me poorly, it happens. Therefore the new resolution is that I am going to be more guarded. This heart now has sharp pointy knives protecting it and it will take someone really special to get them away.
That's where I am today. Not good, not as bad as yesterday. Shit, I got out of bed today which is a significant improvement from yesterday. Baby steps, ya'll. That's what I'm working on.
There is nothing wrong with guarding yourself, especially right now. People have wronged me too in the past, and I am kind of like you: I have given way to much of myself to others in the past, and people often have taken advantage, so I feel your pain. What I have learned from people letting me down is that when you do forgive them, it has nothing to do with them--it has everything to do with you. Forgiveness means you have accepted the fact that you cannot change what has happened, note the signs and learn from them, and once you do, you can move on. I think people often mistaken forgiveness as letting the person that wronged you "off the hook." That, to me anyway, is not the truth. Forgiveness to me is to make a conscious choice to let go, move on, and rid yourself of all pain or grief caused by that person. Once you are ready to do this, I am certain that you will feel liberated! The feeling is more powerful than you can imagine! Hang in there girl, you have a lot of people on Team Sam! Love you!!!! Your favorite girl from the dirty dirty, Jenna :)
ReplyDeleteI second what the above person said!
ReplyDeletePlus, I think I prefer odd number ages myself...
Hugs to you..
Sarah