Day 1

My old blog was deleted when I deleted my last email address, so I'm starting fresh. There are a lot of things I'm reflecting on that need a fresh start.

Small recap:

September 24, 2010- He proposed
October 27, 2010- My Dad died
April 30, 2011-We were married on a beautiful day in Seattle.
November 2011-I started a new job with Amazon.com
January 2012-I turned 30 and paid off my car
February 2012-We moved to a bigger apartment in West Seattle and talked about starting a family.

Shit.Hit.The.Fan.

Fast forward to present day. Today is May 3, 2012.

My best friend, love of my life...my person and I are separated. For reasons still unbeknownst to me, at least from his end- I think he became scared and just took off. I asked him to move his things out and he did without much fuss or fight. I simply couldn't handle the back and forth, the stress of never knowing if he was coming home and never knowing where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. He ended up stopping all forms of communication with me.

I know he sought comfort, not necessarily in the arms of another (that I know of), but definitely emotionally. While I stood by and kept asking him to come back to me, that I would always be that person for him. I wasn't good enough or at least I wasn't the one he wanted. I became a chore, the relationship became actual work. We stopped enjoying each others company and started fighting all the time. We tried counseling, after about 4 visits, he decided he didn't want to go anymore. And then he quit on me all together.

Our anniversary just passed and he went to California, while I stayed home, letting the realization creep in that this isn't going to work. I've never blamed myself and from what he has repeatedly told me, I was never at fault for anything. He simply quit and left me behind while he tries to figure out what it is he wants out of life.

I have friends and family who have stood by me through all of this. By all means I understand they are trying to be supportive, but it's coming off like barking orders at me of what I should do as opposed to letting me breathe and sort my turned-upside-down life into something recognizable. People don't seem to realize that it's not a switch I can turn on or off to cast my feelings for such a huge part of my life aside. I don't expect them to understand. This isn't just a hard breakup...this was someone who promised me his life while I promised him mine.
 
It is so easy to say I'm going to file for divorce. But as soon as I started going through the paperwork, I could not bring myself to do it. I became a blubbering mess. It made me wish there was a switch I could turn off in order to remove my emotions from all of this, but it's impossible. I've always considered myself to be a logical thinker and in order for me to understand, it has to make sense. None of this makes sense. I gave all that I had, loved unconditionally and raised him up when he was down. He used to do the same for me, and by doing so made me want to be a better person.
This person now, that is not my husband, not my friend. He is a stranger in my husband's body and I am not fond of this guy. I want him to go away and give me my sweet man back. I don't think my husband is ever coming home again.

I've come to the conclusion that instead of jumping straight to divorce, I'm going to take some time for myself at this point. Relaxing is key right now and it's time for me to become comfortable in my home, in my skin and in this new life. Trying to make such a definitive decision when everything is so emotional can cause mistakes and regret. I need to know that I am of clear mind, body and soul before I do anything. This is my decision and it is final until further notice.